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Posts tagged ‘woundedness’

19 Lasting Effects of Abandoning or Emotionally Unavailable Parents

SOURCE:   /PsychCentral

Dysfunctional families and parents come in many styles and carry out many different dynamics. One of the most damaging styles or dynamic is one where as a child you are abandoned or you live in fear of abandonment. This can be actual physical abandonment or emotional abandonment. Threats of abandonment are damaging also and are also common in these families. You may have lived in fear of being abandoned if you did not please your parent or caregiver.

This fear often manifests itself as depression as you feel helpless to control the impending abandonment. You may have suffered stomach-aches or headaches as a child, signs of anxiety. You may not have known if the threats were real or if your parents were using these threats as a disciplinary technique. As a child you really shouldn’t have to think about that. You ideally would be in a safe and nurturing environment where your behavior was corrected in a constructive manner.

This parenting dynamic can be carried out by one parent or both. When parents fight with each other and one then threatens to leave all the time it creates fear and uncertainty. When a parent storms out of the house in anger you wonder if they are coming back.

If you are adopted or are from a step family or divorced family where one of your parents did not uphold contact or care with you after leaving you may suffer from attachment disorders or other emotional difficulties having to do with abandonment. You may have blamed yourself for the parent not sticking around. You feel if you had been “better” your parent would still be there.

Even the death of a parent can trigger symptoms, as well as the loss of a parent who is hospitalized for long periods. Even though this situation was not deliberate by your parent, it may have felt like you had been abandoned. If everyone in the family was focused on the ill person, your emotional needs and fears may not have been addressed.

When actually abandoned, the idea or core belief is established that you are unlovable or unwanted.

If your parents used this technique to discipline it is likely that they suffered from an attachment disorder or other emotional difficulty themselves, starting in their own childhood. It was imprinted on them also that if you don’t please the parent, love may be withheld. A belief that they then passed on to you.

If you grew up under these conditions you may not handle separation well, as you expect to be abandoned. That pending abandonment feeling can be fueled by very subtle things, like your partner being distracted or non-attentive. When in relationships, there is a pervasive feeling and belief that the other person will eventually be gone. These trust issues tend to hang on for life if not addressed.

Here are some examples of the kinds of statements heard in these dysfunctional households:

  • I am going to call the orphanage and give you away if you don’t behave
  • I am going to call the snake farm and see if they’re hungry today.
  • I don’t care what you do; I give up on you.
  • Do you want me to stop this car and put you out?
  • You can all stay here, I am leaving. Fend for yourselves.

Below are 19 emotional difficulties commonly experienced by adult children of abandoning/emotionally unavailable parents:

  1. Abusive relationship
  2. Anxiety Disorders or symptoms
  3. Attachment Disorders
  4. Borderline Personality Disorder
  5. Care-taking and Codependency
  6. Chaotic Lifestyle
  7. Clingy/needy behavior
  8. Compulsive behaviors may develop
  9. Depression
  10. Desperate relationships/relationships that happen too fast
  11. Disturbances of mood, cannot self-regulate and experiences emotions in extreme
  12. Extreme jealousy and possessiveness
  13. Lack of confidence, self-esteem issue
  14. May be poor at self-soothing
  15. People-pleasing behaviors to detriment of self.
  16. Poor coping strategies
  17. Promiscuity
  18. Relationship problems
  19. Trust issues

If any of these describe you or if you have been diagnosed with any of these conditions it is likely that you feel bad about yourself. You may be being treated for a biochemical disorder or feel you have a mental illness. The sad part is that given what you experienced, how your brain dealt with it is normal. That is the way anyone would feel when abandoned. It does not mean something is wrong with you. It means something was wrong with your caregivers care-taking abilities and it created emotional distress for you.

Your brain developed coping mechanisms designed to protect you. It developed distrust in order to not be hurt again. It developed anxiety to be watchful for the same reasons and so on. It told you to develop strategies for hanging on to people so you wouldn’t be left alone. Even if those strategies might not be great for you in the long run. Remember, the underlying powerful emotion driving these developments is fear. Fear can make us do funny things. Not funny ha ha but funny as in hard to explain.

Understanding this is critical to your well-being. It does not mean you have to reject, confront, blame or punish your parents in some way. It just means you have to gain insight into what was the true starting point of your current emotional difficulties in order to develop a clear path to feeling better. As a child you couldn’t do much to escape your distress but as an adult you can conquer it by understanding its roots and putting it in it’s place.

A Prayer about Sexual Brokenness and the Impact of Pornography

   SOURCE:  Scotty Smith/The Gospel Coalition  

Although I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God’s law; but I see another law at work in me, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within me. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death? . . . Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus, because through Christ Jesus the law of the Spirit who gives life has set you free from the law of sin and deathRom. 7:21-248:1-2

Dear Lord Jesus, current events in our US news remind us just how current the ongoing issue of sexual brokenness really is. There’s no aspect of our humanity that more clearly reveals the ravaging effects of sin, and our desperate need for your grace, than our sexuality. Without casting stones, we lift our prayers.

For friends, spouses and families impacted by the destructive and enslaving grip of pornography, and other expressions of sexual sin, we cry for mercy, grace and deliverance. Only the gospel offers the wisdom and power requisite for the task. Thus, we run to you today with great hope for our grave concerns.

O Lord of resurrection and redemption, bring your mercy and might to bear in astonishing and transforming fashion. Things impossible for us are more than possible for you; things unimaginable to us are more than manageable for you. You have come to set captives free and to heal the brokenhearted; sexual sin and the pornography industry are creating an overabundance of both.

Lord Jesus, for friends somewhere in the pornography continuum of titillation to addiction, we ask you to reveal yourself in the deepest places of their hearts. We ask for the holy gifts of godly sorrow, gospel-repentance and a community for healing. Your non-condemning love has great power to deliver those who cry, “What a wretched man (or woman) I am! Who will rescue me from this body that is subject to death?” (Rom. 7:24).

Generate that cry by your great beauty and compelling love, Lord Jesus. Supplant embarrassment and fear, numbness and detachment, with contrition and hope. Where pornography has desensitized our friends, re-sensitize them so they can see and feel the horror of their entrapment and more so—much more so, so they can experience taste the reality of your welcome and the wonders of your love. Where sexual sin has sucked many into a deep tomb of shame and hiding, speak to them as you spoke to Lazarus. Bring life from death.

For friends who are married to someone in the talons of pornography or sexual addiction, dear Jesus, theirs may be the greater pain and struggle. No one but you can help with the anger, the disgust, the wounds, the shame, and the mistrust that goes with these stories. Help us walk with our friends who are right in the middle of this dark, hope-sucking vortex. Show us how to validate their feelings without confirming hurt-driven conclusions. Bring patience and perspective, forbearance and faith.

Only you can rebuild the trust. Only you, Jesus, can bring a willingness to hope again. Only you can heal the places in our hearts which have suffered the greatest violation and harm. Absolutely no one understands all this like you, Lord Jesus; and absolutely no one can redeem these messes but you.

So very Amen we pray, in your great and glorious name.

Forgiving Your Spouse After Adultery

SOURCE:  Cindy Beall

Four lessons from my journey of regaining trust in my husband.

Editor’s Note: In 2002, Cindy Beall was a happily married wife to Chris, her husband of nine years. Chris had been on staff with a church in Oklahoma City for only six weeks when he made a confession that would change their lives forever: He had been unfaithful with multiple women over the course of two and a half years, and he was pretty sure one of those women was now pregnant with his child. He also admitted an addiction to pornography. 

His complete inability to control his addiction had left Chris utterly broken, humbled, and repentant. Over the course of several weeks and much prayer, Cindy sensed God calling her to stay in her marriage. The following is an excerpt from her book, Healing Your Marriage When Trust Is Broken, which tells the story of how God redeemed their marriage, making it “better than new.”

Every week I receive e-mails from women who ask many questions about getting through infidelity in their marriage.  Of all the questions I am asked, one of the most common is, “How did you learn to trust him again?”

And every time I give the same answer: “I am still learning.”

I would love to be able to come up with the perfect algebraic formula that shows exactly how to restore trust. But that isn’t going to happen—not because I barely squeezed out of algebra with a 71 percent, but because trust and forgiveness don’t exist in the land of numbers. They are born of God’s grace, mercy, and healing.

You don’t have to have endured infidelity in your marriage to lose trust. Trust can be broken in many different ways. I am still on my journey of having my trust restored in my husband, but I have learned a few things that I hope you will find helpful.

1. Trust means taking a risk.

My husband works hard to regain my trust, but I still struggle. I wish I could say otherwise, but I’d be lying.

Isn’t that the way it is with all of us? I’ve come to realize that we are all capable of doing things we never imagined we’d do. So trusting a person is a risk. We must learn to trust people, but we must also realize that people will fail us. It’s part of life. But if we place our utmost trust in our heavenly Father, we will never be let down.

There is a mental battle going on inside me as I strive to trust my husband more every day. I engage in this battle on a regular basis, and it can be exhausting. But the more I do it and believe what God has shown me, the easier it becomes.

I stand on the one thing that is trustworthy and never fails. I stand on the Word of God. Praise Him that His words are sharper than any double-edged sword (Hebrews 4:12). There is power in them, and when we claim them, believe in them, stand on them, and trust in them, we will be lifted up. We will find peace.

2. Replace anger with forgiveness.

We’ve all been wounded. I am no stranger to the pain I see in the eyes of so many people. We can try to cover it up and “get over it,” but if we don’t truly forgive, we will be stunted individuals going about our lives and becoming more and more embittered. Forgiveness is essential. It’s also possible.

The Bible doesn’t mince words when it comes to forgiveness. We don’t have to wonder what our heavenly Father thinks about the idea. He’s the author of forgiveness, and we’d do well to follow His commands. Matthew 6:14-15 says, “If you forgive other people when they sin against you, your Father in heaven will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others their sins, you Father will not forgive your sins.”

Ouch. That stings a bit, doesn’t it? Especially when you’ve been wounded by someone you’ve loved as unconditionally as possible. It sounds like a cruel joke to expect us to just let it go, doesn’t it?

Colossians 3:13 says, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” If you know Jesus as your Lord and Savior, you know that you have a sinful nature. If we don’t recognize that nature, we won’t recognize our need for a Savior. We also need to understand and remember the true meaning of God’s love. “While we were still sinners, Christ died for us” (Romans 5:8). If we truly understand God’s forgiveness, can we really withhold our forgiveness from those who have hurt us?

3. Stop nursing your wounds.

It can become second nature to tend to our wounds with such care that we begin to identify only with the wound and not with a life of healing or restoration. When something reminds us of our pain, we nurse the hurt and then just can’t get past it. It’s almost as if we forget that we, too, need a Savior. We’re so busy saying, “Look at my hurt!” that we forget to give it over to God.

Romans 3:23 says, “All have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.” Sure, I haven’t been unfaithful to my husband physically, but I have committed sins, too. And when we sin, we are not just sinning against one person; we are also sinning against our heavenly Father.

I know how hard this is. I am profoundly aware of how badly my flesh wants to throw my husband’s sin back in his face when he gets mad at me for something small. I know how easily I could remind him of his failures and make sure he knows just how picture-perfect my marital resume is. But reacting like that will never bring about forgiveness.

4. Don’t wait until you feel like forgiving.

One of the harder parts of forgiveness is that we don’t always feel like forgiving. The problem is that feelings are often misleading and erratic. I learned a long time ago that you rarely feel your way into positive actions, but you can act your way into better feelings. You may not really want to wake up at five for that morning run, but you do it anyway. Afterward, you are so glad you made the extra effort because you feel good and have more energy. There is great satisfaction in making a choice to do something that your flesh was yelling at you not to do! You acted your way into a feeling.

How to know you’re healing

The results of forgiveness look different for everyone. Some relationships will be mended in spite of betrayal, and some will end because of it. The key, though, is to make sure you are healing from this wound. You don’t want to get a knot in your stomach every time you think about this person, especially if he or she is your spouse.

Here’s one way you can know you have healed from a wound caused by someone else: You cease to feel resentment against your offender. My mentor says, “You know you’ve healed from the hurt that someone else’s actions have caused when you can look back on the situation and it’s just a fact.”

We all make mistakes. We all have done things we regret. We all need forgiveness. And we all need to extend that same forgiveness to others—not just today, but every day.

It’s time to forgive.

——————————————————————————————–

Taken from: Healing Your Marriage When Trust is Broken. Copyright © 2011 by Cindy Beall.  Published by Harvest House Publishers, Eugene, OR.  Used by permission.

Cindy Beall is a writer, speaker, and mentor to women. She and her husband, Chris, share openly about their journey of redemption through Chris’s infidelity and pornography addiction.

The Gift of Forgiveness

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Leslie Vernick

Forgiveness is the oil that smoothes over the rough spots as two people struggle to love when it’s hard and become what God calls them to be. When we keep score on marital wrongs, love is impossible. Although some excellent books have been written on the subject of forgiveness, I still find in my counseling practice a common misunderstanding of what it is. When I asked one client how she will know she has forgiven her husband for his adultery she replied, “When I don’t hurt anymore.”

Getting past the emotional pain caused by someone who has hurt you is a reasonable goal, but not a prerequisite for forgiveness. In fact, it was while Jesus was in pain he forgave those who abused him saying, “Father, forgive them for they do not know what they are doing” (Luke 23:34). Forgiveness doesn’t remove the hurt or the consequences that sin has inflicted upon the victim. Sometimes the life-long consequences are worse than the original sin.

For example. Susan wasn’t honest with her husband about how much debt they were in. She had started her own business just a few years earlier and the expenses were much greater than she had ever anticipated. Instead of sharing that burden with her husband, Susan kept it to herself and tried to resolve the household cash flow problems by taking cash advances on all the new credit card offers she received.

When the creditors finally started calling the house because of unpaid bills, Danny hit the roof. Although it wasn’t easy, eventually Dannydecided to forgive Susan for her deceit and pride even though he stillfelt hurt and angry. They had to file for bankruptcy. They lost their home and Susan’s business. If Danny waited until he felt no more anger or pain before he forgave Susan, their marriage may not have survived. The consequences of Susan’s deceit was devastating and would impact their lives for years.

Extending the gift of forgiveness doesn’t guarantee an absence of pain. Neither does it imply an automatic restoration of the relationship. Sometimes we confuse forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is something we can choose to offer because of who we are. God tells us we are required and empowered to forgive because we have been forgiven, not because the other person deserves our forgiveness or has even asked for it. In fact, it is often the person who has hurt us the most that never asks us for forgiveness. They are not sorry, or they simply don’t care.

Forgiveness is choosing not to hold onto our right for justice or vengeance. We cancel the debt they owe us. In order to be able to do this we must free our heart from the bitterness and resentment we often feel when someone has wounded us. Although love covers a multitude of sins (1 Peter 3:8), there are times that reconciliation of the relationship depends upon the genuine repentance of the one who has sinned. 

When we sin, God eagerly desires to forgive us, but our relationship with him is broken until we repent. In order to move back into right relationship with God, we must acknowledge our sin, turn away from it and seek his forgiveness. Like God, we too must extend the gift of forgiveness to those who have hurt us, but for true reconciliation to take place, repentance and forgiveness must work together.

Part of Susan’s repentance involved cutting up all credit cards, allowing Danny to handle the checkbook and being accountable for all expenditures. The restoration of their marriage relationship involved both Danny’s decision to forgive and Susan’srepentant heart and behaviors, leading to their eventual reconciliation.

As fallen human beings, forgiving someone is not something akin to our nature. Justice and revenge come more naturally. We can only truly forgive someone if we learn how to do it from the great forgiver himself—Jesus. Part of seeing what God is up to when our spouse acts wrong is understanding that God teaches us how to become more like Jesus through this process. For how do we ever learn how to forgive if no one ever hurts us?

There is wonderful freedom in knowing we do not have to react to a painful wrong either by shutting down or retaliating. As we grow in our relationship with Christ, we become a reflection of who he is in us rather than a reflection of what others have done to us. Gary Thomas author of Sacred Marriage writes, “We will be sinned against and we will be hurt. When that happens, we will have a choice to make: We can give in to our hurt, resentment, and bitterness, or we can grow as a Christian and learn yet another important lesson on how to forgive.”

**The gift of forgiveness as well as the other gifts are from chapter 9 of How to Act Right When Your Spouse Acts Wrong (WaterBrook, 2001).

Making A Bridge Over My Past

Forget and be Fruitful

SOURCE:  American Association of Christian Counselors

“The past isn’t your past if it is still affecting your present.”

A personal past. We all have one. And sometimes they are not very glorious.

In some cases, painful pasts are consequences of our own bad choices. Self-inflicted wounds.

Often however, the heartache from the past has been caused by others. Betrayal. Unfaithfulness. Deceit. Broken trust. Slander. Needle-pointed thorns that have lodged in our hearts and festered into ugly infected wounds.

It is impossible to reach and stretch for the future when we live in the pain of the past.

The book of Genesis gives us a great example of this principle. Joseph, at seventeen years-of-age, was loved by his father Jacob“more than any other of his sons…and he made him a robe of many colors.” (37:3 ESV)  His brothers “hated him and could not speak peacefully to him.” (37:4 ESV)  They then conspired against him and “sold him to the Ishmaelites for twenty shekels of silver” (37:28 ESV) who then “sold him in Egypt to Potiphar, an officer of Pharoah, captain of the guard.” (37:36 ESV)  Potiphar’s wife then seduces Joseph, and when he rejects her advances, she falsely accuses him and “his master took him and put him into prison…” (38:20 ESV)  Many years later, he interprets a dream for Pharoah and is released from prison and put “over all the land of Egypt.” (41:43)  At 30 years-of-age (thirteen years after his brothers sold him into slavery) Joseph is given Asenath “the daughter of Potiphera priest of On” (41:50 ESV) in marriage and fathers two sons.

What’s interesting is the names he gives his sons. “Joseph called the name of the firstborn Manasseh (making to forget) ‘For’ he said, ‘God has made me forget all of my hardship and all my father’s house.’ The name of the second he called Ephraim, (fruitfulness) ‘For God has made me fruitful in the land of my affliction.’” (41:51-52 ESV)

Joseph determined that he would not be a prisoner of his past. All that had happened in the “prison” season of his life was neither fatal nor final.

Make a bridge over your past. Release it. Work through it. Stretch for the future and be fruitful.

The Apostle Paul expresses the same conviction in Philippians 3:13-14, “…one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus.” (ESV)

The beauty of a past that has been healed is expressed in The Song of Solomon, “My beloved speaks and says to me: ‘Arise my love, my beautiful one, and come away, for behold the winter is past; the rain is over and gone. The flowers appear on the earth, the time of singing has come…” (2:10-12 ESV)

Let go of the past. Press toward the future. It just could turn your life around.

The Sound of Silence

SOURCE:  Practical Theology for Women/Wendy Horger Alsup

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven: … a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; (Ecc. 3: 1, 7 ESV)

There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. I, however, often mix the times up. From my youth, I have known of my tendency to speak before thinking. I memorized James 1:19 during my teenage years and quoted it often to myself.

James 1: 19 ESV … let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger;

By God’s grace, my speech has slowed down, and I listen better than I did as a youth. Yet, I’ve noticed that my tendency to choose silence at inappropriate times has increased of late. It took the wounding silence of a friend with me to awaken me to the inappropriate silence I had shown another.

A committed friend with whom I had shared many intimate conversations stopped replying to my emails, leaving me hanging as we were scheduling our next time together. Her silence was deeply wounding. But it opened my eyes to my inappropriate silence with my other friend who had called and left a voice mail for me months ago. I just left her hanging. I don’t know why I didn’t return the call. I just didn’t. I could analyze it here and give some reasons, but I won’t. Though I had reasons, they weren’t REASON ENOUGH. There is a time to speak and a time to be silent. I had chosen silence when I should have chosen speech. Oh, Lord, please open my eyes to know which is which!

Silence has often wounded me more deeply than any other sound. It’s the sound of someone’s heart who is just not interested enough in me to even make an attempt. Many of us choose silence because we don’t know what to say, but it gets translated instead as “I don’t care about you” whether you mean it that way or not.

“In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.” Martin Luther King, Jr.

Remember that sometimes the loudest message you can communicate is said through nothing at all. Silence can be deafening. If you’ve been silent with someone, even appropriately silent, remember that Ecclesiastes speaks of it as a time, a season, that eventually gets replaced by the time to speak. Don’t choose it forever, because whatever you likely mean by your season of silence, the one on the other end of it hears it as a very loud voice of rejection.

Eph. 4:29 Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear.

**If you struggle with speaking to a person of high emotion that turns every conversation into a conflict, here’s an interesting secular resource.

Healing Prayer: A Definition

SOURCE:  Adapted from Healing Care, Healing Prayer by Terry Wardle

Healing prayer can be defined as a ministry of the Holy Spirit, moving through a Christian caregiver, bringing the Healing Presence of Jesus Christ in to the place of pain and brokenness within a wounded person.

A ministry of the Holy Spirit: Healing prayer is thoroughly dependent upon the Presence and Power of the Holy Spirit. He initiates, directs and empowers the entire process.  Thus the recipient of healing and the caregiver must not only understand the work of the Holy Spirit, but be surrendered to His infilling and empowerment each step along the way.

Moving through the Christian caregiver: Healing prayer is not a technique controlled by the caregiver.  It is a transformational ministry of the Holy Spirit, with the caregiver serving as an instrument of His activity.  The spiritual vitality and emotional maturity of the caregiver are important and integrated aspects of this healing process, and must be submitted to the Holy Spirit.

Bringing the Healing Presence of Jesus Christ: People need more than solutions to their problems.  They need to experience the love and acceptance of Jesus Christ in every aspect of their lives.  His Transforming Presence strengthens and satisfies as nothing else, the one true Source of healing for broken people everywhere.  Through healing prayer, the Holy Spirit uses a caregiver to position hurting people for what Jesus alone can give.

Into the place of pain and brokenness: Life experiences often leave deep wounds that compromise personal well-being.  Left undressed, these hurts give birth to false beliefs, emotional upheaval, and behaviors that are ultimately destructive.  During the process of healing prayer, both the source and symptoms of core woundings are brought into the light of Jesus Christ, where He alone can set people free.

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