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The Marriage Map

from The Divorce Remedy, Michele Weiner-Davis, M.S.W

The marriage map is meant to give you a broad overview of the experiences most couples have when they negotiate the marital terrain. As you read through these stages and developmental passages, don’t get too hung up on the timetable. Some couples move through these stages more quickly than others, and some bypass certain stages entirely. See if any of this sounds familiar to you as you think about your own marriage and that of friends and family.

Stage One- Passion prevails
Head over heels in love, you can’t believe how lucky you are to have met your one and only star-crossed lover. Everything other than the relationship quickly fades into the background. Much to your amazement, you have so much in common: you enjoy the same hobbies, music, restaurants and movies. You even like each other’s friends. You can finish each other’s sentences. When you pick up the phone to call your partner, he or she is already on the line calling you. You are completely in sync. Everything is perfect, just the way you imagined it would be. When little, annoying things pop up, they’re dismissed and overlooked.

At no other time in your relationship is your feeling of well-being and physical desire for each other as intense as it is during this romantic period. The newness and excitement of the relationship stimulates the production of chemicals in your bodies that increase energy, positive attitudes and heighten sexuality and sensuality. You feel good in your partner’s presence and start to believe that he or she is bringing out the best in you. Depression sets in when you’re apart. There aren’t enough hours in the day to be together. You never run out of things to say. Never, never, have you felt this way before. “It must be love,” you tell yourself. While in this naturally produced state of euphoria, you decide to commit to spending the rest of their lives together. “And why not,” you reason, “we’re perfect together.” And marry, you do.

Unless you elope or opt for a simple, judge’s chambers-style wedding, your euphoria takes a temporary nosedive as you plan and execute your wedding. Once you get past the superhuman challenges dealing with family politics and hosting a modern-day wedding, your starry-eyed obsession with each other re-emerges and takes you through the honeymoon period. At last, you are one. You have committed your lives to each other forever- soul mates in the eyes of God and the world. And for a period of time, nothing could be more glorious. But soon, your joy gives way to an inevitable earth-shattering awakening; marriage isn’t at all what you expected it to be.

Stage Two- What was I thinking?
In some ways, stage two is the most difficult because it is here that you experience the biggest fall. After all, how many miles is it from bliss to disillusionment? Millions. What accounts for this drastic change in perspective? For starters, reality sets in. The little things start to bother you. You realize that your spouse has stinky breath in the morning, spends way too long on the toilet, leaves magazines and letters strewn on the kitchen counter, never wraps food properly before it’s put in the refrigerator and, to top things off, snoring has become a way of life. There are big things too.

Although you once thought you and your spouse were kindred spirits, you now realize that there are many, many differences between you. Although you share interests in hobbies, you disagree about how often you want to participate in them. You like the same kinds of restaurants, but you enjoy eating out often while your partner prefers staying home and saving money. Your tastes in music are compatible, but you prefer quiet time in the evening while your mate enjoys blasting the stereo. You have many common friends, but you can’t agree on which nights to see them.

You’re confused about what’s going on. You wonder if an alien abducted your partner and left you with this strange and complicated being, a person with whom you can’t agree on a single thing. You argue about everything. “Who is this obstinate person I married?” you ask yourself. “What was I thinking?” You knew life wouldn’t always be a bed of roses, but you never thought all you’d get was a bed of thorns. You figured that love would carry you through the rough spots, but you didn’t imagine there’d be times you didn’t feel love. You feel so disillusioned and you wonder if you made a mistake. When you remind yourself you made a life-long commitment, you start to understand the real meaning of eternity.

Ironically, it is in the midst of feeling at odds with your once kindred spirit that you are faced with making all sorts of life-altering decisions. For example, it is now that you decide whether and when to have children, where to live, who will support the family, who will handle the bills, how your free time will be spent, how in-laws fit in to your lives, and who will do the cooking. Just at the time when a team spirit would have come in mighty handy, spouses often start to feel like opponents. So they spend the next decade or so trying to “win” and get their partners to change, which tr

Stage Three- Everything would be great if you changed
In this stage of marriage, most people believe that there are two ways of looking at things, your spouse’s way and your way, also known as the Right Way. Even if couples begin marriage with the enlightened view that there are many valid perspectives on any given situation, they tend to develop severe amnesia quickly. And rather than brainstorm creative solutions, couples often battle tenaciously to get their partners to admit they are wrong. That’s because every point of disagreement is an opportunity to define the marriage. Do it my way, and the marriage will work, do it yours and it won’t.

When people are in this state of mind, they have a hard time understanding why their spouses are so glued to their way of seeing things. They assume it must be out of stubbornness, spitefulness or a need to control. What they don’t realize is that their spouses are thinking the same thing about them! Over time, both partners dig in their heels deeper and deeper. Anger, hurt and frustration fill the air. Little or no attempt is made to see the other person’s point of view for fear of losing face or worse yet, losing a sense of self.

Now is the time when many people face a fork in the marital road. They’re hurt and frustrated because their lives seem like an endless confrontation. They don’t want to go on this way. Three choices become apparent. Convinced they’ve tried everything, some people give up. They tell themselves they’ve fallen out of love or married the wrong person. Divorce seems like the only logical solution. Other people resign themselves to the status quo and decide to lead separate lives. Ultimately, they live unhappily ever after. But there are still others who decide that it’s time to end the cold war and begin to investigate healthier and more satisfying ways of interacting. Although the latter option requires a major leap of faith, those who take this leap are the fortunate ones because the best of marriage is yet to come.

Stage Four- That’s just way s/he is
In stage four, we finally come to terms with the fact that we are never going to see eye-to-eye with our partners about everything and we have to figure out what we must do to live more peaceably. We slowly accept that no amount of reasoning, begging, nagging, yelling, or threatening changes our partners’ minds. We look to others for suggestions; we seek religious counsel, talk to close friends and family, attend marital therapy, read self-help books, or take a relationship seminar. Those of us who are more private look inward and seek solutions there.

We more readily forgive our spouses for their hardheadedness, and recognize that we aren’t exactly easy to live with either. We dare to ask ourselves whether there’s something about our own behavior that could use shaping up. When disagreements occur, we make more of an effort to put ourselves in our partner’s shoes and, much to our surprise, we have a bit more compassion and understanding. We recognize that, as with everything in life, we have to accept the good with the bad. Fights happen less frequently and when they occur, they’re not as intense or as emotional as in the earlier years of marriage. We know how to push our partner’s buttons and we consciously decide not to. When we slip, we get better at making up because we remind ourselves that life is short and very little is worth the pain of disharmony. We learn that when you’ve wronged your spouse, love means always having to say you’re sorry. We mellow. We let things roll off our back that might have caused us to go to battle before. We stop being opponents. We’re teammates again. And because we’re smart enough to have reached this stage, we reap the benefits of the fifth, and final stage.

Stage Five- Together, at last
It is really a tragedy that half of all couples who wed never get to stage five, when all the pain and hard work of the earlier stages really begins to pay off. Since you are no longer in a struggle to define who you are and what the marriage should be, there is more peace and harmony. Even if you always have loved your spouse, you start to notice how much you are really liking him or her again. And then the strangest thing starts to happen. You realize that the alien who abducted your spouse in stage two has been kind enough to return him or her to you. You are pleased to discover that the qualities you saw in your partner so very long ago never really vanished. They were just camouflaged. This renews your feelings of connection.

By the time you reach stage five, you have a shared history. And although you’d both agree that marriage hasn’t been easy, you can feel proud that you’ve weathered the storms. You appreciate your partner’s sense of commitment and dedication to making your marriage last. You also look back and feel good about your accomplishments as a couple, a family and as individuals. You feel more secure about yourself as a person and you begin to appreciate the differences between you and your spouse. And what you don’t appreciate, you find greater acceptance for. You feel closer and more connected. If you have children, they’re older and more independent, allowing you to focus on your marriage again, like in the old days. And you start having “old day feelings” again. You have come full circle. The feeling you were longing for during those stormy periods is back, at last. You’re home again.

About the marriage map
I’m certain that if more couples realized that there really is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, they’d be more willing to tough it out through the downpour. The problem is, most people fool themselves into thinking that whatever stage they are in at the moment, is where they will be forever. That can be a depressing thought when you’re in the midst of hard times. And in marriage, there are lots hard times- unexpected problems with infertility, the births of children (marital satisfaction goes down with the birth of each child), the challenges of raising a family, children leaving home, infidelity, illnesses, deaths of close friends and family members. Even if there is lots of joy accompanying these transitional stages, it’s stressful nonetheless. But it’s important to remember that nothing lasts forever. There are seasons to everything in life, including marriage.

Also, it’s important to remember that people generally don’t go through these stages sequentially. It’s three steps forward and two steps back. Just when you begin to feel more at peace with each other in stage four, a crisis occurs and you find yourselves slipping back to stage three- change your partner or bust! But if you’ve been fortunate enough to have visited stage four, sanity sets in eventually, and you get back on track. The quality and quantity of love you feel for each other is never stagnant. Love is dynamic. So is marriage. The wiser and more mature you become, the more you realize this. The more you realize this, the more time you and your spouse spend hanging out in stage five. Together again, at last.

Michele Weiner-Davis, Author of Divorce Busting

Parenting: Where Has “Playing” Gone?

HOW PLAYING WITH YOUR CHILD CAN REAP HUGE REWARDS

SOURCE:  Elizabeth Maynard, M A – Heartlife Professional Soul Care

Technology Wins!

 Long gone are the days of playing outside until dark, playing board games/cards together, or sitting around reading as a family.

Our world today is characterized by technology, especially for children at younger and younger ages. The Internet, cell phones, and television can be considered the “trinity” of technology.  It is no surprise that children are logging on to the Internet and engaging in technology at younger ages than ever before.

In addition, parental supervision of a child’s involvement in technology is also generally very lax. As a result, children are engaging in online relationships in ways that demonstrate a clear lack of knowledge in what is safe and appropriate behavior.

According to a study done by the Rochester Institute of Technology, 48 percent of children in kindergarten and first grade reported that they interact with other people on websites. Of these young children, only 50 percent said that their parents watched them as they used a computer, showing that the other half was exposed to unchecked web browsing and interaction with others online. About 48 percent of these young children saw online content that made them feel uncomfortable, and one in four of them said they did not report the uncomfortable experience to a trusted adult.

Compare this to their phone usage.

Back in 1983, phone companies were only spending $100 million per year towards marketing to kids; today they are spending around $17 billion to gain business from minors. A recent study shows that 22 percent of young children own a cell phone (ages 6-9), 60 percent of tweens (ages 10-14), and 84 percent of teens (ages 15-18). Also, kids spend more time watching television every day than on any other single activity, aside from sleeping.

So, what is the lasting impact that technology is leaving on our children?

Here are a few statistics to consider.

The Internet can potentially have a negative impact on cognitive development. Young children depend on adults to validate what they see, hear, and feel. Since the information on the Internet is uncontrolled, there is no way to check its reliability (Pierce, 1994). In terms of social development, if abused, Internet usage can also take children away from doing important social activities such as homework, chores, and spending time with family and friends.  Michael A. Weinstein, professor of Political Science at Purdue University, believes Internet users will “lose the savvy and skills and patience to conduct social relations in the corporate world,” and that the Internet will intensify the negative effect television has already had on our social skills. For cell phone usage, researchers have found a link between low self-esteem and problem cell phone use. A study measuring the link between cell phones and mental health found that teens that used cell phones the most were more likely to be anxious and depressed. They also found that some teen cell phone users are likely to be woken at night by incoming text messages or calls, and are therefore more likely to be tired and less able to focus throughout the day.

Finally, for the past 20 years, studies have linked excessive TV viewing to childhood obesity, poor brain development, lagging educational performance, sleep disturbances, and diminished physical activity. In fact, new studies show that fast paced TV shows, such as Sponge Bob and Phineas and Ferb, have a profound impact on a child’s cognitive development and executive functioning.

Researchers speculate that the more rapid pace and fantasy-like characters on the SpongeBob show might be too much for preschoolers’ brains to take in. “It confirms something that parents have observed for some time,” Dr. Dimitri Christakis says of the study. “They put their kids in front of television, particularly fast-paced programming, to quiet them down, but when the TV goes off, the kids are more amped up than they were before”.

 More Play Time, Less Technology Time

 So why is it that technology has so many potential negative cognitive, physical, and social impacts on children?

What is the better alternative?

Let’s take a trip back to the past.

Many parents may still “play” with their children. However, it is rare to see a parent sit down on the floor with their child, with no distractions, and give them undivided attention. Busy schedules, multiple children, full-time jobs, and homework are all things that take us away from play time.

A specific, child-centered, non-directive therapeutic approach to “playing” was developed in the 1960’s to show the impact that a parent playing with their child can have on many facets of a child’s development. Filial Therapy was born out of the belief that many children do not have their need for emotional nurturing met (Landreth, 2002). Sometimes, communication gaps between parents and children may exist because many parents are unaware of their children’s emotional needs and lack the skills necessary to interact effectively with them on an emotional level (Landreth, 2002). Therefore, filial therapy provides “focused attention to the child from a person who holds emotional significance to the child, thus encouraging anxieties learned by the parental influence to be unlearned, and provides opportunities for miscommunications to be clarified to the child by the parent” (Guerney, et. al. 1999; Sweeney, 1997).

One of the most important aspects to filial therapy is that the parent focuses exclusively on the child without interruption for 30 minutes.  The second is that the child gets to lead the play, not you.  The third is that the parent puts the child’s feelings, thoughts and even actions into words, without questioning, teaching, or praising!  Most parents find this very strange at first.

Play is a child’s natural way to explore their world.  In playing, children find solutions to problems, as children’s thoughts and emotions come to the surface during play. Play also can be healing.  So why is it so important, especially in light of our society today?

Children are looking to the Internet, cell phones, and television to define their world. They have become reliant on society’s definition of what is appropriate and shape themselves after the “role models” they see on television. It’s no wonder that our children are growing up faster than ever before. It’s no wonder that they are faced with more behavioral and cognitive problems than ever before. By simply playing with your child, you can often find out more about how they view the world by watching and joining in their play than you can by asking them to tell you what is wrong, or asking why they did something.

Lasting Impact

 Whose impact do you want left on your children?

Technology and society today or your family’s principles and biblical instruction from the Lord.

In Matthew 19:13-15, we are told, “Then little children were brought to Jesus for him to place his hands on them and pray for them. But the disciples rebuked those who brought them. Jesus said, ‘Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these.’ When he had placed his hands on them, he went on from there”. In Luke 11:13, Jesus says, “If you then, though you are evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give the Holy Spirit to those who ask him!”.

It is clear in the Bible how God feels about little children. It is evident that they are to be cared for and brought up in the fear and admonition of the Lord. “Be imitators of God” to your children. Take the time to play and pray with them and you will see huge rewards.

Let’s bring “playing” back into our families.

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