SOURCE: Leslie Vernick
– Why the Problem Isn’t Yours—But the Solution Is
– When to Fight for Your Marriage and When to Let Go
– How to Make Necessary Changes and Move Toward Healing
Many of you reading this blog are in destructive marriages. You’re tired. You’re confused. You’re afraid. You have no idea what to do to change your marriage, but you notice that you are changing. You are not the person you used to be, and perhaps not the person you want to be. You don’t like what’s happening to you. I want to give you four steps that you can practice that will help you gain CORE strength.
My friend Barb’s beach house is a little slice of heaven on earth. Her home away from home is built right on the boardwalk, and I can sit on her balcony and watch the dolphins play. I love the salty air, the ocean breezes and all the foods I don’t normally eat, like extra cheesy Manco and Manco pizza and lemon Polish water ice. Barb and I get up early in the morning before it gets too hot and take our five mile power walk up one end of the boardwalk and down the other. The last morning of one of our mini vacations was exceptionally hot, and ten minutes into our walk I was already drenched in salty sticky sweat, my hair matted close to my head. When we completed our five mile trek, Barb turned toward me, her hair still fluffy with her skin only slightly glistening, and said, “Leslie, I’ve noticed you’ve been slouching.”
Slouching? Really? In this heat, what do you expect? I thought to myself. Barb’s words stung hard, but I knew she was right. I had exercised most of my adult life, but over the past few years admittedly I had gotten lazy. I guess it showed more than I noticed, not only in my waist line but in my posture. When I returned home, I called a gym and made an appointment with someone who could help me.
The following week I reluctantly met with Chris, a young, burly fitness trainer who pushed me through a battery of tests and finished our evaluation by whipping out a camera. Already I felt old, frumpy, and fat, but it got worse. You know the saying a picture doesn’t lie. The truth was right in front of me. My shoulders slumped, my belly pouched out, my back swayed and my neck and chin somehow jutted out from my shoulders in a most unflattering way—and I worked hard to stand up straight when he took the picture. Chris turned to me eyebrows raised and said, “You need to build your core.”
“What’s that?” I asked, dreading his response.
“Your core muscles wrap around your abdomen and back and they support your spine and keep you balanced and stable,” Chris said. “Bottom line, a strong core keeps you from slouching and looking old.” Then he asked, “Are you ready to get to work?”
“Ummm, let me think about this for a few days,” I stammered, anxious to bolt out of there as soon as possible.
After a good cry, I realized I was faced with a tough choice. I was either going to work hard to strengthen my core muscles or I could continue to do nothing and become fatter and more slouched. I didn’t like those two alternatives. I wanted Chris to tell me that there was a third choice, a pill I could take or a massage I could get, something that didn’t hurt and was easier than working out with weights three times a week. But that wasn’t one of my options if I wanted to improve my core and my weight, as well as my overall body alignment.
If you’re in a destructive marriage, you know that you have some difficult choices in front of you. Believe me. I know change is hard, and sometimes we’re only motivated to change when the pain of staying the same becomes greater than our fear or pain of making the change. You can choose to grow stronger through this destructive marriage or not, but if you choose to do nothing, understand what it will cost you.
Your emotional, mental, and spiritual core will get weaker and weaker, curving inward until your entire person-hood is out of alignment. Sacrificing yourself by allowing someone to sin against you to keep peace in your marriage is never a wise choice, not for you, not for your husband, not for your marriage. God calls us to be biblical peacemakers, not peacekeepers or peace fakers.
Whether you’re in a destructive marriage or not, these four core strengths are essential to build and maintain good mental, emotional, spiritual and relational health. I will use the acronym CORE to help you remember what they are. With God at our center and with his help we will choose to be:
C I will be committed to truth, both internally in my own heart and mind and externally. I refuse to pretend.
O I will be open to the Holy Spirit and wise others, teaching me, maturing me, and guiding me into his way of living my life.
R I will be responsible for my own responses to destructive behavior and commit to being respectful without dishonoring myself.
E I will be empathetic and compassionate towards others without enabling people to continue to abuse and disrespect me. empathetic
Marital adversity not only reveals character, it shapes it. You have a choice about how that shaping is taking place right now. When you know and believe that you are a loved, valuable, worthwhile human being and live from that core place, toxic people lose their power to manipulate you. They can’t control and intimidate you as they once did when you felt worthless, dependent and needy.
If you don’t strengthen your core, you will always live from your circumstances and your emotions. On the other hand, when you live from your core, your abusive/destructive husband might permanently damage your marriage, but he cannot destroy you.
Don’t forget, your CORE reflects who you are or who you want to be, not just what you do.