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Posts tagged ‘setting unreachable expectations’

15 Signs That You May Be A Perfectionist (and 20 Ways to Overcome Perfectionism)

SOURCE:  Rachel Fintzy Woods, M.A., LMFT

When your colleagues at work compliment you on a talk you just gave, do you dismiss their remarks and berate yourself for the one slide you forgot to include in your Powerpoint presentation?

If your husband tells you how pretty you look, do you counter with a comment like, “I really should lose five pounds”?

Do you have a critical voice in your head that constantly takes you or other people down a notch?

Signs that you may be a perfectionist:

  1. You are painfully aware and extremely critical of mistakes and perceived inadequacies. You have trouble beginning projects. You procrastinate a lot.
  2. You strive to be the best in all your endeavors, even in areas that don’t really interest you.
  3. You spend an excessive amount of time on projects, double-checking and revising your work. You obsess over minor details.
  4. You have trouble completing projects. You quit projects prematurely, often out of frustration at the process not being easy or your not being an instant natural at the task.
  5. You have difficulty making decisions. Sometimes even ordering from a menu or deciding what outfit to wear can be challenging for you.
  6. You think in all-or-nothing or black-and-white terms. For you, there is no middle ground. You use the words “should,” “have to,” and “must” a lot.
  7. You make unrealistic demands of yourself or other people, and your interpersonal relationships are often tense (or end) as a result.
  8. You suffer from social anxiety or social phobia.
  9. You avoid trying new things, for fear that you won’t excel at them or will make a mistake.
  10. You rarely feel “good enough.” You struggle with low self-esteem.
  11. You are prone to feelings of shame, depression, or anxiety.
  12. You often experience a feeling of emptiness.
  13. You suffer from stress-related physical conditions.
  14. You struggle with compulsive overeating, restrictive eating, other eating disorders, or body dysmorphic disorder.
  15. You struggle with alcohol or other substance use.

Saying ‘yes’ to any of these items is not necessarily an indication that you are a perfectionist – however, endorsing more than a few of the items may indicate that perfectionism is an issue for you.

Perfectionism can be defined as placing undue pressure on oneself and others to meet impeccable standards and being hyper-critical of mistakes. Where it is healthy to strive for excellence, perfectionism often leads to depression, anxiety, low self-esteem, eating disorders, substance abuse, self-harm, problems at work, and procrastination.

As author Brene Brown puts it, “When perfectionism is driving, shame is riding shotgun, and fear is that annoying backseat driver.”

When we succumb to perfectionism, we fight a losing battle, because we can never be good enough, simply because we are human and thus imperfect. This internal war causes tremendous stress. In fact, many of the issues that motivate us to seek psychotherapy involve some variety of perfectionism. We perceive ourselves as not sufficiently nice, thin, smart, attractive, interesting, intelligent, capable – the list goes on and on. So, we develop the belief that “if only” we had this, that, or the other thing, we’d be happy – and all the while we are chasing a mirage.

Being a perfectionist is an exhausting way to live, in which we are focused on the unreachable goal rather than paying attention to and appreciating the journey.

There are many reasons for perfectionism, some rooted in a traumatic childhood in which we felt unsafe, helpless, or unable to cope with life – and, wait, wouldn’t that be all of us to some extent, given our extremely vulnerable state as small children?

We could also have had a perfectionistic parent, who we could never please. If we received a score of 98% on a school exam, our parent questioned us about the 2% we got wrong. We might have adopted this perfectionistic approach to life ourselves.

Whatever the case, perfectionism is dangerous.

The sooner we accept that being called a perfectionist is not a compliment but a warning, the sooner we can take steps to free ourselves from perfectionism:

  1. Count the cost. Make a list of the pros and cons of your perfectionism. How has it helped or hurt you, in the short and long run? How have your career, relationships, physical, emotional, and mental health, spiritual life, finances been affected?
  2. Relinquish the all-or-nothing mindset. You cannot do everything with 100% accuracy. This is simply impossible. Be okay with being human and the inevitable learning curve involved in any project. Allow yourself to do thing imperfectly and incompletely.
  3. In fact, try being imperfect on purpose. Consider the concept that humility attracts.
  4. Focus on the big picture. Stop obsessing over unimportant details. Do not get lost in the minutiae.
  5. Give yourself credit for your accomplishments, large and small, rather than focusing on what you did not achieve.
  6. When it comes to feelings of “not having enough” (such as with consumerism), ask yourself if you really need something and what value it would add to your life. Chances are that you do not need another toy just because the ubiquitous ads tell you that you need it or because your friend or colleague has it.
  7. Set your priorities. It’s not realistic to have 20 items at the top of your daily to-do list. Pick one to three things on which to focus your energy, and devote a reasonable amount of time to each item.
  8. Give yourself a reality check. Ask yourself, “How important is this, really? How much will this matter to me in a week? A month? A year?”
  9. Consider the worst-case scenario and how you would deal with this. Would the world really end if you wore two mismatched socks? If you forgot a friend’s name? If you gained five pounds?
  10. Focus on the process, not the result. Adopt a curious, courageous, and kind attitude, appreciating every step of your journey, even the unpleasant ones, as opportunities to learn and grow.
  11. Practice radical self-acceptance. Appreciate yourself, warts and all, and accept life on life’s terms. You cannot control everyone and everything.
  12. Replace your self-doubt with self-respect, self-love, and self-compassion. Getting to know your real self, as opposed to an idealized image you wish to portray to the world and yourself, is the antidote to perfectionism.
  13. Allow yourself to experience all of your feelings. Perfectionism demands that we feel certain emotions and not other emotions. What often happens in this scenario is that we end up being estranged from all of our emotions, as it’s almost impossible to pick and choose what we’re going to feel. The healthier choice is to bear compassionate witness to the full gamut of your emotions, without judgment.
  14. Make healthy relationships a priority. Let other people know your true, magnificently imperfect self. This is the only way to develop authentic relationships.
  15. Take good care of your body, mind, and spirit. The basics: good nutrition, regular exercise, sufficient sleep, relaxation, fun, intellectually challenging projects, an active social life, meditation, and connection with a higher (i.e., bigger than you) purpose.
  16. Don’t overthink things. Just dive in there. You can revise later, or try another one of the options on your list.
  17. Remove the words “should,” “should have,” “must,” “have to,” and “if only” from your vocabulary, and replace them with “want to,” “choose to,” “prefer,” and “now I’ll…” Let go of the past, which you cannot control. Focus on now and your next step.
  18. Understand that while your perfectionism and associated wish to control your feelings and environment may have developed from childhood attempts to deal with anxiety (it’s scary being a helpless child), you are older now and can employ other more-effective methods of coping.
  19. Don’t let fear dictate your behavior. You can feel uncomfortable and take action all the same. Your inevitable mistakes don’t define you. Done is better than perfect.
  20. Determine your most important values and life purpose, and let these guide how you allocate your time, energy, and resources. Use these ideals as guidelines, not absolutes, to avoid perfectionism in this area. Although you may continue to keep to-do lists, refrain from letting your lists (and thus your achievements) determine your self-worth and direction.

We are all human.

None of us is all good or all bad. And this is okay. As you shed the perfectionism habit and embrace being the glorious person who you really are, you’re likely to be a lot more relaxed, happier, easier to be around, healthier, and, yes, more productive.

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What Is the Father Wound?

SOURCE:  Jeff Eckert

Jack is a 42-year-old who entered my office for counseling after his wife discovered his long history of Internet pornography, and trips to local massage parlors. As I began to explore his history in an attempt to understand the deeper issues involved, I was struck by one of Jack’s statements: ‘My father always provided for us and was home every night after work. But even though he was there, he was never really present.’

Thus begins an exploration of the question: What is the father wound?

Andrew Comiskey, in his book on sexual and relational healing entitled “Strength in Weakness” writes, ‘Though the Father intended for us to be roused and sharpened by our fathers, we find more often than not that our fathers were silent and distant, more shadow than substance in our lives.’ This kind of a ‘shadow’ presence is not what our heavenly Father intended for our relationships with our earthly fathers. Unfortunately, few fathers follow the injunction of Proverbs 27:17: ‘As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.’

Like Jack, then, many men grew up with fathers who returned home after work, but were never really active as sharpening agents in the lives of their sons. These fathers provided for their sons’ material needs, but they were strangely absent when the time came to satisfy the needs of the heart, such as intimacy and connection. Fathers like this may have been available to coach their sons’ baseball teams or supervise yard work. However, they were less likely to model intimacy in relationships, or to be an active presence when their sons were dealing with the pain of rejection by peers.

In his soul, every man craves deep, intimate connections with other men, but men are often left without the tools for creating these loving, nurturing relationships. A big reason for this has to do with the primary role fathers typically play in families. Rather than nurturing their sons or developing intimacy with them, fathers often spend the majority of their time enforcing the rules. Patrick Morley, in his classic book “Man in the Mirror” states, ‘Mothers love and stroke their children. Angry fathers handle the discipline.’ While this statement may seem unfair to fathers, it is a fair assessment of the father’s role in many families. Not only do fathers interact with their boys in a primarily disciplinary role, but boys are taught to absorb that discipline with a stiff upper lip. Boys learn the lesson very early on that they are not to display any sense of vulnerability. When life gets tough, negative feelings are to be stuffed and internalized.

This stoic, unemotional approach to life is often accompanied by a seemingly unreachable set of expectations from fathers. Countless men enter my counseling office with stories of fathers they could not please: ‘All my life I have felt as if I just couldn’t cut it in my father’s eyes. It always seemed like the bar was raised just above my reach.’ Some of the deepest wounds lie in these feelings of inadequacy, which can then poison other relationships and make true intimacy difficult. Men that grew up with fathers they were unable to please often carry around a suffocating belief system: ‘I can never cut it. And if I’m not cutting it, then why would others want to be around me?’

Another reason men may feel inadequate is because their fathers did not support or affirm them as they moved into manhood. Jack Balswick, in his book “Men at the Crossroads” writes, ‘Tragically, many young men are growing up without a father who will affirm their leap into manhood’Often the voices they do hear are distortions of true manhood.’ Because so many boys do not have a father affirming their ‘leap into manhood,’ that transition is often filled with feelings of fear, anger and frustration, instead of confidence and security. Lonely and discouraged, boys become isolated and alienated men. In this isolated state, men continue to desire closeness and connection, but they often have no concept of how to achieve it.

It is because of this quandary that many men seek out sexual fantasy in an attempt to find some sense of intimacy. Many men feel a void in their lives, often created by the wounds of the past, and some men attempt to fill that void with illicit sexuality. Men’s desire for intimacy and connection is real, powerful, and appropriate. But when men try to satisfy that desire in the form of sexual fantasies and acts, they find merely approximations or shadows of true relationship and connection.

However, a healing balm for men’s wounds, including their father wound, can be found.

By obtaining a biblical understanding of what a father truly is, and through a relationship with Jesus Christ, men can begin to experience healing. More healing can occur through accountability and community with other Christian brothers. As Jack began developing relationships with others who were truly present, and experiencing relationship with a heavenly Father who is always present, his need to escape into the world of sexual fantasy was diminished. Sharing our wounds with fellow sojourners in the journey can provide immeasurable healing. It is in coming out of our own woundedness and brokenness that we can most clearly see the essential nature of relationship with Christ and others.

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