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Posts tagged ‘harmful helping’

Am I Helping or Harming Others?

SOURCE:  Living Free/Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee

“So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live your lives in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness. See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ.” Colossians 2:6-8 NIV

Codependency can be compared to seasickness. If you have ever been seasick, the image will have an especially powerful impact.

One cause of seasickness is the motion of the boat, tossed about by waves. But the primary reason people get seasick is that they don’t have a stationary object on which to focus. The horizon moves up and down, and the water keeps moving too. That causes the balance mechanism to overload, and the results can be quite unpleasant.themselves.

The key word is focus.

Are we focused on Christ, or are we trying to focus on the circumstances that keep turning and swirling and changing? When a loved one is trapped in a life-controlling problem, we can be drawn into focusing all our attention and energy on that problem. This leads to all kinds of unpleasantness. But when we focus on Christ, all areas of life come into balance, including our relationships.

We all need to look at whether we are helping or harming the struggling people in our lives. Although we cannot change overnight, we can begin the process. We can start by telling our loved ones we are going to stop harming them by trying to fix their problems or protecting them from the consequences of their bad choices. Then we must turn our focus to Christ and allow him to develop the much-needed balance in our life.

I have focused on circumstances and allowed them to overwhelm me. Help me turn my focus back to Jesus. I know that only then will I find peace and calm. Only then can I become the person you have designed me to be. And only then will I be able to help others; your way. In Jesus’ name . . .

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These thoughts were drawn from …

 

Close—But Not Too Close by Dr. Jimmy Ray Lee.

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Enabling: Good Intentions Gone Wrong

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by  Karl Benzio/Lighthouse Network/Stepping Stones

Sadly, we have all seen a loved one making destructive decisions. When someone we love is in the grip of a harmful pattern, we naturally want to help so they will have less pain. But in spite of our best intentions, our efforts sometimes end up being more harmful than helpful.

The official psychobabble term for this action is “enabling,” otherwise known as “good intentions gone wrong.”

In this sense, enabling means, even though you are trying to help the person prevent or stop their dysfunctional behavior, your action provides them with the power or means to continue their dysfunctional activities. In essence, your enabling makes it a lot easier for those who are struggling to persist in their self-destructive behaviors.

A major component of our enabling behaviors is they keep our struggling loved one from feeling the natural, painful consequences of their conduct. These consequences could significantly influence them to stop their dysfunctional decisions before their problems spiral out of control. Today’s Scripture cautions us that if we start to rescue people from the consequences of their choices, we’ll just have to do it again … and again. We are then called a “nag” or a “martyr” when we try to “undo” the enabling or hound them about the behavior.

Here are some common scenarios that enable others:

  • Do you find yourself covering up or “living with” the behavior of a friend, child, or loved one, or bailing them out of trouble?
  • You might make excuses for them or even blame yourself for their problem.
  • Are you reminding them to do certain chores or tasks so that they don’t get the consequences they deserve?
  • Do you find yourself giving them “one more chance” … over and over again instead of giving them the consequences they should receive?
  • Do you care more than they do about the consequences they might get?
  • Do you feel you are being held hostage by their behaviors?

At the foundation of our enabling behavior is our inability to tolerate negative feelings, both in others and ourselves. These feelings are generated when someone struggles and faces potential consequences. We feel very uncomfortable when they feel sad, hurt, or have to endure a consequence, or when we anticipate their sadness or enduring consequences. We may feel at fault, or feel they will be mad at us for giving them a consequence. So we keep nagging, threatening, or pushing them to accomplish their task. Sometimes we even do the task for them. Perhaps it’s their homework or project, driving them to school after missing the bus, or giving them one last chance – for the third or thirteenth time.

Today, be mindful that your responsibility to your troubled loved one is to be supportive and to facilitate their growth, not to inhibit growth by facilitating their struggle. You need to empathize and pray for them, but not fix their problems. They need to learn how to fix it themselves. You aren’t going to be around all the time. You need to encourage them when they have made an error, but not protect them from the necessary consequences. You must allow them to learn from the natural consequences of their actions and not rescue them. All of us need to look at whether we are helping or harming the struggling people in our lives. And then we can begin the process of being a supporter instead of an enabler. Let God, not you, determine the consequences that will open their eyes, change their behavior, and hopefully, transform their hearts.

Dear God, stepping aside from my loved one’s problems is so hard. My urge is to come to the rescue instead of letting her suffer the consequences. I realize now, that when I rescue her, I am actually crippling her from learning skills to rescue herself. Then I have to come to the rescue again and again … and nothing really gets fixed. Teach me to be a supporter instead of an enabler. Help me guide her to You … help me to trust You more. Give me the peace to tolerate my own uneasiness and the discomfort of others. Help me to allow Your consequences and lessons to play out. I pray this in the name of the One who gives me strength in all circumstances, Jesus Christ;  – AMEN!

The Truth
A hot-tempered man must pay the penalty; if you rescue him, you will have to do it again. Proverbs 19:19

And he was longing to be fed with the pods that the pigs ate, and no one gave him anything. “But when he came to himself, he said, ‘How many of my father’s hired servants have more than enough bread, but I perish here with hunger! I will arise and go to my father, and I will say to him, “Father, I have sinned against heaven and before you. Luke 15:16-18

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