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Posts tagged ‘failure’

5 Things to Teach Your Kids About Failure

SOURCE:  iMom

My own experiences with failure have been some of my most important life lessons. I learned things I never would have learned any other way.

My own experiences with failure have been some of my most important life lessons. I learned things I never would have learned any other way. Growing up, every time I had to speak publicly, I was terrified, and most often felt like I failed because I wasn’t articulate enough. I hated the feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that public speaking brought up for me. I kept trying though and pushing through those awful feelings until eventually I learned how to speak publicly without any fear at all. If I would have let my first failure keep me from trying again, I never would have had the joy of sharing my life story and speaking to thousands of people at a stadium event.

It’s never easy to watch our children fail. But we can take heart that failure can actually make our children stronger, more resilient and more empathetic if we teach them to handle failure the right way.

Here are 5 things to teach your kids about dealing with failure.

1. Failure Happens to Everyone.

Even the best baseball players get hits only 3 out of 10 times at the plate. No one wins them all. It’s a normal part of life. Teach your kids to expect failure, and help them realize it’s okay to fail, because we learn from our mistakes and failures.

Teach your kids to expect failure, and help them realize it’s okay to fail, because we learn from our mistakes and failures.

2. Failure Isn’t a License to be a Bad Sport.

Failing is not a good feeling, and it’s okay to be sad or disappointed when we fail. But we don’t want to take it too far and start blaming others or pouting. Teach them to find the lesson in it, which can soften the negative feelings. Help them learn how to not be too hard on themselves.

3. Failure Can Lead to Success.

Thomas Edison tried dozens and dozens of times before he invented the modern light bulb.  We really can learn from our mistakes. Help them process through their mistakes and failures, so they can see the process of learning in action.

4. Failure Teaches Us Humility.

If we don’t experience failure, how can we really relate and encourage others when they are experiencing defeat?

5. Failure is Not Who We Are.

We need to teach our children that their true value comes from just being. They need to know they are loved, whether they win or lose, make a mistake or not.

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What Do I Do With My Regrets?

SOURCE:  Jon Gauger/Family Life Today

Rather than letting go of our regrets, we often escalate the trauma by further indulging them.

I should be dead by now. Really.

Thankfully, as a boy of 15, I underwent surgery for scoliosis, a curvature of the spine. Had my parents not opted for such a treatment, statistics say I wouldn’t be alive today because of the crushing my internal organs would have received from the twisting of my own spine. If not dead, my torso would resemble something like the fictional Hunchback of Notre Dame.

The surgery was no minor deal. First, an incision was made from my waist to the top of my shoulders (about two feet long). After straightening the spine and fastening two metal rods (each rod about a foot long) into the vertebrae, the surgeon chipped tiny fragments off my hip and then carefully placed them along the vertebrae to create a bone fusion.

Recovery was slow. Every four hours I was rotated from my back to my stomach on a circular bed frame resembling equipment from a circus acrobatic act. After nearly two weeks of rotating bed confinement, I was informed that the next day would be “casting day,” when I would get a plaster cast covering most of my upper body, allowing for near normal mobility. I distinctly recall the nurse warning me the night before. “Your incision is healing, and you’ll likely feel an itching sensation tonight. Whatever you do, don’t scratch your scar.”

But what I felt that night was more than an itching sensation. It was an itching assault. An itching warfare. I scratched (bad decision). And the scars itched more. I scratched more. And the scars itched still more. At the height of this agony (I do not overstate the moment), it was all I could do to force myself to clench the tubular steel of the circular frame bed and quote every Bible verse I’d ever learned over and over. It remains the most awful night of my life.

Who knew a scar could cause so much pain?

Regrets are scars of the soul.

We carry them around with us, and every now and then they itch. So we scratch them. We replay that thoughtless deed, that hurtful conversation. But instead of relief, we sense only a greater discomfort. Rather than let these memories go, we often escalate the trauma by further indulging our regrets.

What should we do with our scars when they assault us at night or in moments of tired reflection?

Scars, medical experts tell us, require regular and proper care (mine still itch or get occasional scabs). But what kind of care is there for scars of the soul? It’s a question we put to our contributors. Just what should we do with our regrets?

Walter Wangerin

This is simple: Pray for forgiveness. Ask the Christ who fought the devil to come and speak to our regret. Invariably, the word the Lord brings us is, “Go and sin no more. I have forgiven you. Now go on. Get up. Go back to your life and be better than you were.”

George Verwer

I read a long time ago that regret is the most subtle form of self-love. The temptation to regret comes the same way as any other temptation. What we need to do is readily embrace the gift of God’s grace. A lot of people have had their lives filled with failure, yet they do really well at the end. We need to encourage one another with that. Regarding our specific regrets, God has forgiven us. He knows how to work things out for good, so we can’t dwell on regret. We have to somehow move forward because it’s a form of anxiety to dwell on our regrets, paying too much attention to ourselves. We need to claim God’s forgiveness and grace and press on.

Kay Arthur

What do we do with our regrets? Now that’s a question I can answer readily for two reasons. One, I messed up so much before I came to know genuine salvation at the age of 29, and it had great ramifications. Second, I am a perfectionist. I battle with, “I could have done it better, I should have, I wish I had, why didn’t I?” This is where I must run to the open arms of my Sovereign God and all His promises and bring them to bear on my regrets. Also, I would add that we need to remember Satan is the accuser of the children of God (Revelation 12:10-11), so I have to stay dressed in His armor, rejoicing that He will make me “stand in the presence of His glory, blameless with great joy” (Jude 24).

Nancy DeMoss Wolgemuth

The first thing we have to do is thank God for grace. Go back to the cross. Preach the gospel to ourselves and realize, “I am not the Christ. I am a sinner who needs a Savior—and thank God I have a Savior.” I thank God He has not dealt with me according to my sins or as I deserve. The sum total of my life will not be about how well I performed, how well I lived up to my goals, or how successfully I overcame my bad habits or sinful patterns. When it’s said and done, the sum total will be Christ my righteousness. He took my sin—He who had no sin—on Himself. He clothed me in His righteousness, and that is the only basis on which I will ever be able to stand before God and not be ashamed. Every day I have to preach that gospel back to myself and live in the constant conscious awareness that Christ is my life. He is my righteousness. He is my only hope in life and in death.

James MacDonald

Romans 8:1 says, “There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.” I believe all of our sins—past, present, and future—are under the blood of Christ, that we’re forgiven. I think we need to live as forgiven people. Second Corinthians 7:10 says, “The sorrow that is according to the will of God produces a repentance without regret, leading to salvation, but the sorrow of the world produces death.” Genuine repentance is not thinking about what I should have done or what I could have done. It’s thinking about what Christ has done, and living in that. When your kids were little and they would act up, what you wanted was for them to forsake the bad behavior and go forward. That’s what I believe the Lord wants for us. Not to wallow in our failures, but to revel in His grace and to give it to others.

Joni Eareckson Tada

I love to read passages in Scripture that remind me that God has a poor memory when it comes to my sin. He remembers my sin no more (Isaiah 43:25). He separates me from my sin as far as the east is from the west, as high as the heavens are above the earth (Psalm 103:11-12). That is what makes the Good News so great! God will not remember our sins. You know what? We shouldn’t either.

Michael W. Smith

You use regrets for good. That’s one reason I started Rocketown, a club for kids in Nashville. I love speaking to youth. I’m able to say, “Hey, guys, let me tell you my story.” Based on my own experiences, I have a little bit of credibility talking to some kid who is smoking dope every day and getting high, struggling with drugs. I say, “I’ve been there.” He might respond, “Yeah, whatever.” Then I tell him my story, and all of a sudden he’s listening because I have been there. I get to say, “Guys, it’s a dead-end street. It’ll take you down. This is not what your destiny is.” Regret gives me an opportunity to speak into kids’ lives because of the fact that I’ve been there.

You Don’t Have to Live with Guilt

SOURCE:  Rick Warren

“A man who refuses to admit his mistakes can never be successful. But if he confesses and forsakes them, he gets another chance.”(Proverbs 28:13 TLB)

God is always ready to give you another chance. That’s a bedrock piece of Christianity. We’ve all been irresponsible. We’ve all screwed up. The Bible tells us,“Not a single person on earth is always good and never sins” (Ecclesiastes 7:20 NLT, second edition).

God doesn’t want you living with a heavy guilt trip about all the irresponsibility in your life. Guilt destroys your confidence, damages your relationships, keeps you stuck in the past, and even hurts your health. I read a report a few years back that said 70 percent of people in the hospital could leave if they knew how to resolve their guilt.

God wants far better for your life than that. You don’t want to live with guilt. And here’s an important truth to always hang on to: You don’t have to.

God wants you to live with a sense of promise and hope. God can even bring good out of the stupid decisions that you’ve made in your life if you’ll give those failures to him.

How do you do that?

Admit to God you’ve made a mistake. It doesn’t surprise him. And it won’t change his perception of you. I hope you’ll take this step today. When you do, here’s what you can expect from God:

  1. God forgives instantly. The very moment you admit your sin to God, he forgives you.
  2. God forgives freely. You don’t need to earn it, and you’ll never deserve it.
  3. God forgives completely. He wipes your sin absolutely clean.

If you’re mired in guilt and shame, you’ll likely perpetuate whatever problem you have. You’ll tell yourself that you blew it, so you’re bad. Since you’re bad, you believe you’ll blow it again. It’s a nasty cycle from which we often can’t seem to escape — at least not on our own.

You need a power beyond yourself. You need a Savior. You need Jesus.

10 Mistakes Smart Parents Make

SOURCE:  Leslie Vernick

Most people try their best to be good parents. They love their kids. They want them to grow up and be healthy, happy, God fearing, self-supporting individuals. But there are some things that many good parents do that hinder their children’s growth and maturity, here are the top ten.

1. Praising talent instead of effort. Studies show that repeatedly praising a child for being smart, beautiful, or talented does not improve their self-confidence or self-esteem. It actually has the opposite effect and makes them more insecure and afraid to try new things.  (Mindset by Carol Dweck is a great resource for understanding the research about this and how to help your child have the right mindset for growth). Instead of saying to your child, “You’re smart at math”, praise her for her hard work figuring out a tough problem.

 2. Emphasizing achievement over character.  At the end of the day, what will bring your child the most happiness and satisfaction in life is not the size of her paycheck or the number of degrees after her name but the kind of person she has become as well as the quality of her relationships.  Poor character qualities will lead to a failed life even if you look successful on the outside. Proverbs 16:23; 20:11; 23:23.

3. Giving freedom without requiring responsibility.Adolescence is a tough time to parent and sometimes it’s easier to give into our child’s tantrums than to hold her accountable to fulfill her responsibilities.  One of the most important lessons parents much teach their child is to be responsible and take responsibility for her own choices and behavior.

4. Trying to be super-mom or dad. Stop doing for your kids what they should be doing for themselves. As they age, give them more responsibility such as time management for homework, cleaning their room, doing their own laundry. The goal of parenting is to work yourself out of a job so that your child doesn’t need you anymore.

5. Not helping your child see you are a person, not just a parent.  Along with super-parent syndrome, I find a woman may tend to over-function in her role as a mother and fails to teach her children that she is also a person who has her own dreams, needs, and feelings.

As our children mature, the parent child relationship ought to become more reciprocal with a child showing more consideration for her parent’s feelings or needs. Doing this models healthy relationship skills as well as reminds your child that life is not all about her and what she wants all the time.

 6. Not following through on stated consequences. If we don’t teach our kids when they are young that there are consequences to their choices and behaviors they will experience a painful awakening when they move into adulthood.  Today many people are miserable and perpetually angry that life and other people have not given them what they deserve instead of understanding their decisions and behaviors have consequences.  Proverbs 19:3

7. Being too busy to give unstructured or uninterrupted time to your child.  It pains me to watch entire families in a restaurant together all checking their cell phones. Your child learns social skills and gains emotional intelligence through interacting with real people in family life.  A child needs to feel that she is important to you and when you give her your time, energy, and uninterrupted attention, she feels it.

8. Giving them too much stuff.  “Mom please, please, please, buy me this one thing.  I won’t ever ask for anything else.  Just this iPhone or video game and I’ll be happy forever.”  What parent hasn’t heard that plea? And yet a week later, your child wants something more.

Overindulgence sends a wrong message. It tells your kids that things will make her happy.  It teaches her that having more satisfies and yet the truth is, more doesn’t satisfy. More just makes us hungry for more.  Instead teach your children to be content and grateful for what they have instead of always pining for more.

9. Not practicing what you preach. If you say something is important to you like God or faith or integrity or family and yet your actions show something different, your children will do as you do and not as you say.  Life is caught and not taught and when you live a double life, your children are smart enough to see it.

 10. Not praying enough for our children. I know it’s hard to pray. It can feel dry, even boring. But God says to pray and pray without ceasing.  I wish I had prayed more for my children.  There is so much in life that is completely out of our hands. Yet God loves our child more than we do and he wants us to pray for their safety, their growth, as well as their spiritual awakening and development. Prayer makes a difference and therefore, commit daily to pray for your child.

If you see yourself in some of the top ten mistakes, it’s not too late to change. God is always in the process of waking us up to something so that we can be conformed to his image. Don’t let Satan accuse you.

Instead thank God and the Holy Spirit that he has opened your eyes to some things you need to change, and then with God’s help, change them.

God Doesn’t Promise You’ll Be ‘Successful’

SOURCE:  Relevant Magazine/Rachael Graf

How Jesus turned the system upside down.

As a young adult who was raised in a Christian home and who attends a Christian university, I have experienced a phenomenon I like to call “Christian success.” Usually, it runs along the lines of something like this:

“We broke the box office!”

“Trending on Twitter!”

“Number one for eight consecutive weeks!”

“100,000 members strong!”

Where did this idea of “Christian success” come from, and why have we equated influence with notoriety?

To many people of his day, Jesus was a poor, homeless, blaspheming rabbi. He was hated and rejected by many. He spoke of a kingdom not of this world, spent most of his time with sinners, broke the rules and washed dirty feet. And he claimed to be the Messiah—the king. Jesus did not fit the description of a successful, conquering king. If we really think about it, Jesus, from the perspective of his culture, was a failure.

Even Pope Francis thinks so. In his homily at Saint Patrick’s Cathedral back in September, Pope Francis spoke about Christian hard work and self-sacrifice. The danger, he warned, is when we

Get caught up measuring the value of our apostolic works by the standards of efficiency, good management and outward success which govern the business world. While affirming the desire for Christian excellence, he reminded his audience to look to the example of Jesus, “The cross shows us a different way of measuring success. Ours is to plant the seeds: God sees to the fruits of our labors. And if at times our efforts and works seem to fail and produce no fruit, we need to remember that we are followers of Jesus … and his life, humanly speaking, ended in failure, in the failure of the cross.

When Jesus called His disciples to follow Him, He did not promise them success. In fact, He guaranteed them failure: “You will be hated by all for my name’s sake” (Luke 21:17).

He told his disciples to take up their crosses and follow him (Matthew 16:24-26). He told them that the gate is narrow and the way is hard (Matt. 7:13-14). He told them that whoever wanted to be the greatest had to be a servant (Mark 10:43-45). He told them that he was going to the cross (Matthew 17:22-23). And he did. And many of his disciples deserted him.

They left because they did not understand why Jesus came. They thought he had come to overthrow Rome, to sit on a glorious throne and rule over Jerusalem. The Pharisees wanted an earthly king, and the Zealots wanted a rebellious revolutionary. Jesus was neither. He was fighting a different battle.

Jesus came to deliver mankind from its enslavement to sin, Satan and death. He knew when he came to earth that he would be reviled, but he came anyway. That is the greatest act of love imaginable.

“Christian success” does not come from rising to the top, being the most popular, having the most likes or followers, or sitting at number one on the list. That is how the world defines success. “Christian success” comes from following in the footsteps of our Savior. Although Jesus was God, he became a man and accepted the limitations of human flesh.

He was tempted in every way and was well-acquainted with suffering. He was cursed, denied, spit upon, mocked and condemned. He died the most brutal, humiliating death imaginable for our salvation. The sinless one became sin, crying out from the cross, “My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?” (Matthew 27:46.) Yes, Jesus was familiar with failure.

But three days after He was buried, he walked out of his tomb, thereby defeating death with its own weapon. That is victory. That is success in its truest form. Sacrificial success.

We serve a paradoxical God, one who says that worldly gain is loss if it costs you your soul. That in foolishness there is wisdom and that in dying we live. That in failure there is redemption. Jesus does not promise us earthly success if we choose to follow him, because earthly success was never his aim. What he does promise us is a future so glorious that it cannot be fully described in human language (1 Cor. 2:9).

Success is not inherently wrong, and achievement is good cause for celebration. But we must remember that if we succeed—at anything—it is only because our abundantly gracious God has allowed us, for His glory. When we let the world define our success instead of Jesus, we fall into idolatry.

Because, at the end of the day, it is not what we do that is of lasting significance, but for whom we do it.

A Message for Misfits

SOURCE:  Chuck Swindoll

Judges 11:1–3, 11

Before he ever came to the plate, Jephthah had three strikes against him.

  • He was an illegitimate child. Strike one.
  • He was the son of a barmaid and a brute. Strike two.
  • He was raised in an atmosphere of hatred and hostility. Strike three.

Nurtured in an overcrowded cage of half-brothers, he was the constant target of verbal put-downs and violent profanity. Putting it mildly, Jephthah wasn’t wanted. He compensated by becoming the meanest kid on the block.

Kicked out of home before he reached young manhood, he took up the lifestyle of a rebel among a tough bunch of thugs that hob-nobbed in a place called Tob. Earning a reputation as the hardest hard-guy, he was elected leader of a gang. They ripped and rammed their way through villages like a pack of wild hyenas. Had they ridden motorcycles, their black leather jackets could have read “The Tob Mob” as they raced over hills, outrunning the law of the land. Read Judges 11:1–3 for yourself. It’s all there. A societal reject, Jephthah was Charles Manson, the Boston Strangler, and Clyde Barrow all wrapped in one explosive body. Having him and his apes drop into the Tob Pharmacy for Saturday night malts was about as comfortable as taking a swim with the Loch Ness monster.

Suddenly, a change occurred. The people of Israel encountered a barrage of hostilities from their not-so-friendly neighbors to the east—the Ammonites. The longer the battle raged against this hateful enemy tribe, the more obvious it became that Israel was against the ropes. Defeat was inevitable. The Jews needed a leader with guts to stand up against the fiery foes from Ammon. Guess who the Israelites thought of? Right! They figured that only a guy with his record would qualify for the job, so they called the man from Tob. Tremblingly, they said:

Come and be our chief that we may fight against the sons of Ammon. . . . and [you may] become head over all the inhabitants of Gilead.
(Judges 11:6, 8)

What a deal! Asking Jephthah if he could fight was like asking Al Hirt if he could blow some jazz or A. J. Foyt if he could drive you around the block. That was Jephthah’s day in court. After a brief cat-and-mouse interchange, the mobster signed the dotted line. Predictably, he annihilated the Ammonites in short order and the Tob Evening News rolled off the presses with the headline:

HOODLUM BECOMES HERO—
EX-CON ELECTED JUDGE!

Jephthah the judge. Fellow gangsters had to call him “Your Honor.” What a switch! Jephthah had no rightful claim to such a high calling.

That would have been true—except for one thing: God’s grace. Remember now, God is the One who builds trophies from the scrap pile . . . who draws His clay from under the bridge . . . who makes clean instruments of beauty from the filthy failures of yesteryear.

To underscore this truth, consider Paul’s stunning remark made to a group of unsophisticated Corinthian Christians:

Do not be deceived: Neither the sexually immoral nor idolaters nor adulterers nor male prostitutes nor homosexual offenders nor thieves nor the greedy nor drunkards nor slanderers nor swindlers will inherit the kingdom of God. And that is what some of you were.
(1 Corinthians 6:9–11a NIV)

Don’t rush over those last eight words:

And that is what some of you were . . .

Our Father, in great grace, loved us when you and I were Jephthah—a rebel or a drunk or a gossip or a crook or a liar or a brawler or a Pharisee or a playboy or an adulteress or a hypocrite or a do-gooder or a dropout or a drug addict. Looking for sinners, He found us in desperate straits. Lifting us to the level of His much-loved Son, He brought us in, washed our wounds, and changed our direction. All our church-going and hymn-singing and long-praying and committee-sitting and religious-talking will never ease the fact that we were dug from a deep, dark, deadly pit. And may we never forget it. Classic misfits . . . we.

But there is one major difference between Jephthah and us. God chose to revealhis past for everyone to read, while He chose to hide ours so none would ever know what colossal misfits we really are. Talk about grace!

——————————————————————————————————————————

Excerpted from Come Before Winter and Share My Hope, Copyright © 1985, 1988, 1994 by Charles R. Swindoll, Inc.

Failure: 3 Things No One Told You About Trying To Succeed

SOURCE:  Joey Papa/Relevant Magazine

Everyone has advice about how to succeed, but there’s a lot we forget to mention.

Everyone wants to be successful. It’s grafted into our DNA to want to achieve, to accomplish and add significance to our lives. Even if it’s hard for you to admit that you want to be successful, take a moment to think about it. You may not want to be the next pop star, but you probably want to be a successful parent, successful at your career and, successful in relationships.

And this can be a good thing, but it doesn’t always look like we think. Here are a few things you don’t always hear about success:

Success Isn’t Always Tangible

On an earthly understanding, success is commonly measured by tangibles—how much money you have, the type of possessions you own or the amount of influence you have on a particular group of people. Somehow we end up measuring success by material things, yet success has nothing to do with money, fame or power. Those “things” have been held by some of the most evil human beings in history and no one is saying they were successful. That’s because success has everything to do with what is unseen.

In a spiritual perspective, success occurs when you’ve stayed true to conviction, made the right choices, even when tempted to do the opposite or remained humble in the face of injustice. This is success. It’s the inner feeling of clarity, authenticity and peace that comes from remaining in love and truth. It’s not what you do that matters but how you do it that measures success or failure.

For example, if you’re at work and you’re given a nominal, boring task to do, you can either do a half-hearted job and get it done or you can take full ownership over it and commit to doing it well. If you take the first approach, your boss may be happy because it can be crossed off the list, but your inner-reward will be minimal (if that). If you take the second approach, chances are you will feel a great sense of accomplishment, confidence and cleanliness because you honored the task, even though it didn’t really seem to have much value.

Failing Is Essential to Success

You must fail in order to succeed. No one succeeds without first experiencing a bunch of failures. If you’ve ever played a sport, trained for a marathon or practiced for a theater performance, you know that it takes lots of time and dedication to perfect the art or sport that you’re participating in. No one shows up one day without any former training and runs a marathon. Failures are simply practice runs for success.

Too often the voices of discouragement and despair can cloud the clarity of vision it takes to truly succeed. One thing I’ve learned through venturing into new waters artistically, spiritually and mentally is to discern the messages that come at me during the process. I’ve become accustomed to tuning out the messages that drag me down, deflate my dreams and remove courage from my bones.

Every time I fail, I tune out the discouragement and self-judgement. I exercise grace and kindness towards myself. I recognize the lessons I need to learn; where I missed it, where I was selfish. This transforms my perspective and rearranges my energy in such a way that I have a clear mind and pure conscious.

Success is for the Humble

The more you force yourself to the front of the line, push yourself to the top, the more you’ll find yourself on the bottom.

Jesus said, “the meek will inherit the earth.” This isn’t just a nice saying or a phrase to put on your wall. It’s a spiritual principle that operates in a real way, with tangible effects. There’s a misconception of successful people that they are the go-getters, that they take the bull by the horns. They run over people and do whatever it takes to make sure they get what they want. While this mindset may increase productivity, revenue and assets, it doesn’t increase success or true value.

In fact, it’s just the opposite. Those who practice humility, being meek, low in heart and open in spirit will gain the greatest, lasting influence in the earth. Why? Because people who are meek, humble and selfless are attractive in spirit. People who operate with humility cause other people to succeed and draw the best out of those in their presence. Not many people are attracted to proud, controlling individuals.

The same spiritual principle is also seen in the understanding that the first will be last and the last will be first. The more you force yourself to the front of the line, push yourself to the top, the more you’ll find yourself on the bottom. Yet, practicing surrender and trusting in the intelligence of God will produce the very things you truly want.

This is true success.

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