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Posts tagged ‘asking for help’

8 Things People with High-Functioning Depression Want You to Know

SOURCE:  Meagan Drillinger/healthline.com

Even though it might not be obvious, getting through the day is exhausting.

It can be difficult to spot the signs of someone with high-functioning depression. That’s because, on the outside, they often appear completely fine. They go to work, accomplish their tasks, and keep up relationships. And as they’re going through the motions to maintain their day-to-day life, inside they’re screaming.

“Everyone talks about depression and anxiety, and it means different things to different people,” says Dr. Carol A. Bernstein, professor of psychiatry and neurology at NYU Langone Health.

“High-functioning depression isn’t a diagnostic category from a medical standpoint. People can feel depressed, but the question with depression is for how long, and how much does it interfere with our capacity to go on with [our] life?”

There’s no difference between depression and high-functioning depression. Depression ranges from mild to moderate to severe. In 2016, about 16.2 million Americans had at least one episode of major depression.

“Some people with depression can’t go to work or school, or their performance suffers significantly because of it,” says Ashley C. Smith, a licensed clinical social worker. “That’s not the case for people with high-functioning depression. They can still function in life, for the most part.”

But being able to get through the day doesn’t mean it’s easy. Here are what seven people had to say about what it’s like to live and work with high-functioning depression.

1. You feel like you’re constantly “faking it”

“We hear a lot now about imposter syndrome, where people feel that they are just ‘faking it’ and aren’t as together as people think. There’s a form of this for those who deal with major depression and other forms of mental illness. You become quite adept at ‘playing yourself,’ acting the role of the self that people around you expect to see and experience.”

— Daniel, publicist, Maryland

2. You have to prove that you’re struggling and need help

“Living with high-functioning depression is very hard. Even though you can go through work and life and mostly get things done, you’re not getting them done to your full potential.

“Beyond that, no one really believes you’re struggling because your life isn’t falling apart yet. I was suicidal and close to ending it all in university and no one would believe me because I wasn’t failing out of school or dressing like a complete mess. At work, it’s the same. We need to believe people when they ask for support.

“Lastly, a lot of mental health services have needs-based requirements, where you have to appear a certain amount of depressed to get support. Even if my mood is really low and I am constantly considering suicide, I have to lie about my functioning to be able to access services.”

— Alicia, mental health speaker/writer, Toronto

3. The good days are relatively “normal”

“A good day is me being able to get up before or right at my alarm, shower, and put on my face. I can push through being around people, as my job as a software trainer calls me to. I’m not crabby or anxiety-ridden. I can push through the evening and have conversations with co-workers without feeling total despair. On a good day, I have focus and mental clarity. I feel like a capable, productive person.”

— Christian, software trainer, Dallas

4. But the bad days are unbearable

“Now for a bad day… I fight with myself to wake up and have to truly shame myself into showering and getting myself together. I put on makeup [so I don’t] alert people about my internal issues. I don’t want to talk or be bothered by anyone. I fake being personable, as I have rent to pay and don’t want to complicate my life any more than it is.

“After work, I just want to go to my hotel room and mindlessly scroll on Instagram or YouTube. I’ll eat junk food, and feel like a loser and demean myself.

“I have more bad days than good, but I’ve gotten good at faking it so my clients think I’m a great employee. I’m often sent kudos for my performance. But inside, I know that I didn’t deliver at the level I know I could.”

— Christian

5. Getting through the bad days requires an enormous amount of energy

“It’s extremely exhausting to get through a bad day. I do get work done, but it’s not my best. It takes much longer to accomplish tasks. There’s a lot of staring off into space, trying to regain control of my mind.

“I find myself getting easily frustrated with my co-workers, even though I know there’s no way they know I’m having a hard day. On bad days, I’m extremely self-critical and tend to not want to show my boss any of my work because I fear that he’ll think that I’m incompetent.

“One of the most helpful things I do on bad days is to prioritize my tasks. I know the harder I push myself, the more likely I am to crumble, so I make sure I do the harder things when I have the most energy.”

— Courtney, marketing specialist, North Carolina

6. You can struggle to focus, and feel like you’re not performing to the best of your ability

“Sometimes, nothing gets done. I can be in a long drawn out daze all day, or it takes all day to complete a few things. Since I’m in public relations and I work with individuals and companies that champion a great cause, which often pull at people’s heartstrings, my work can take me into an even deeper depression.

“I can be working on a story, and while I’m typing I have tears streaming down my face. That may actually work to the advantage of my client because I have so much heart and passion around meaningful stories, but it’s pretty scary because the emotions run so deep.

— Tonya, publicist, California

7. Living with high-functioning depression is exhausting

“In my experience, living with high-functioning depression is absolutely exhausting. It’s spending the day smiling and forcing laughter when you are plagued by the feeling that the people you interact with only just tolerate you and your existence in the world.

“It’s knowing that you’re useless and a waste of oxygen… and doing everything in your power to prove that wrong by being the best student, best daughter, best employee you can be. It’s going above and beyond all day every day in the hopes that you can actually make someone feel that you’re worth their time, because you don’t feel like you are.”

— Meaghan, law student, New York

8. Asking for help is the strongest thing you can do

“Asking for help does not make you a weak person. In fact, it makes you the exact opposite. My depression manifested itself through a serious uptake in drinking. So serious, in fact, I spent six weeks in rehab in 2017. I’m just shy of 17 months of sobriety.

“Everyone can have their own opinion, but all three sides of the triangle of my mental health — stopping drinking, talk therapy, and medication — have been crucial. Most specifically, the medication helps me maintain a level state on a daily basis and has been an intricate part of my getting better.”

— Kate, travel agent, New York

“If the depression is greatly impacting your quality of life, if you think that you should be feeling better, then seek out help. See your primary care doctor about it — many are trained in dealing with depression — and seek a referral for a therapist.

“While there’s still considerable stigma attached to having mental illness, I would say that we are starting, slowly, to see that stigma abate. There’s nothing wrong with admitting you have an issue and could use some help.”

— Daniel

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How To Ask For Help

SOURCE:  adapted from Side by Side: Walking with Others in Wisdom and Love by Edward T. Welch

Asking for Help Is Hard

Asking people for help makes calling out to the Lord seem easy by comparison. The Lord already knows we are weak and needy, but other people? That is a different story. They may not know, and we desperately want to appear competent before them. Even though spiritual neediness is one of the most attractive acts of a human being, we have our own views of strength, honor, and what is most becoming, and pleas for help are not on that list.

But it really should be simple.

The apostle Paul wrote, “Brothers, pray for us” (1 Thess. 5:25; also 1 Cor. 1:10–11; Eph. 6:19–20; Col. 4:3). Apparently, he was no longer embarrassed by his weakness and need. Paul was thoroughly schooled in rejection and humiliation. He was once a noted up-and-coming Pharisee, and then—he became nothing. He was nothing before his Hebrew kin, and he was of no reputation before many of the churches he founded. Having learned that Jesus made himself of no reputation before others, Paul was unconcerned about his own reputation. That is how he was able to ask for prayer.

If we desire to be perceived as competent and in control, we will not ask for prayer. If we know that humans, by nature, are spiritually needy, and God’s plan is that we turn both to him and to other people for help, we will ask for prayer.

How to Ask

Whether we have never asked anyone to pray for us or we do it every day, the goal is to grow both in how often we ask for prayer and how we ask for it.

How often? We want to ask more than we do now.

How to ask? We want to ask for prayer about both circumstances and matters of the heart that sit below the surface, for things seen and things unseen. We take the skills we have learned in personal prayer and ask others to pray with us.

First, we put our burdens into words. Second, we attach words of Scripture that capture both our real needs and God’s purposes and promises. That is, we pray for what we know our Father wants to give us.

Example 1: I’m So Behind

First, the burden: “I have been so tired. I feel like I am always a few steps behind on everything.”

Second, we attach Scripture: “Would you pray that I would rest in Jesus?” The Scripture that shapes this prayer is from Matthew 11:28–30: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.”

Example 2: My Daughter Is Sick

First, the burden: “This is so hard. Would you pray for healing for my daughter?”

Second, we attach Scripture: “Would you also pray for perseverance and that I would be able to fix my eyes on things that are not seen?” (Heb. 6:11 and 4:16–18).

Example 3: I’m Too Impatient

First, the burden: “I have been so impatient with my kids recently. I need help.”

Second, we attach Scripture: “Would you pray that I will know Jesus’s unlimited patience toward me so that I will pass that on to my children?” (1 Tim. 1:16). Or, “Would you pray that I will see my anger as my problem and not theirs? I want to see that anger is murder and the problem is that I demand something and am not getting what I demand” (James 4:1–10).

Example 4: I Need a Job

First, the burden: “Would you pray that I will find work?”

Second, we attach Scripture: “And would you pray that I will trust the Lord for manna each day rather than get swamped by my anxieties?” (Matt. 6:28–34).

And sometimes our request for prayer can be very simple and desperate: “I feel undone. Would you pray for me? I don’t feel that I can pray for myself, and I don’t even know what to pray.”

If you have prayed for someone, you know it is a privilege. Other people will feel the same way when you ask them to pray for you. Once we get the knack of asking, we can ask for help for some of our other burdens in life, such as looking for a job or cleaning up an apartment. We can even let people know our financial needs.

Recognize Help When It Comes

Once we’ve prayed and asked others to pray for us, all that’s left is to keep watch. We assume “that if we pray according to God’s promises, we will see him on the move. So we wait expectantly, and then we acknowledge his work when it comes.

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Edward T. Welch (PhD, University of Utah) is a counselor and faculty member at the Christian Counseling & Educational Foundation.

Are You Caught in the Sandwich Generation?

SOURCE: iMom/Dana Hall McCain

The American population is aging, and this means a rise in the number of adults caught in what researchers call the sandwich generation—those who are caring for aging parents while still caring for their own children. Nurturing loved ones on both ends of your life, all of whom have major needs, is emotionally and physically draining. It can also throw a wrench into your financial planning.

How can you cope with such a heavy load without cracking?

First of all, take comfort in the fact that you’re not alone. Around 1 in 8 Americans age 40 to 60 is caring for an aging family member while raising a child. But you will be forced to make choices about priorities, learn to delegate responsibility, and accept that you won’t be perfect at both jobs every single day. Cutting yourself some slack may be the most important key to preventing burnout while you’re sandwiched in between.

Take a break from volunteering.

We love volunteers! They make every school, church, and community a better place. However, if you’re pulling double duty as a caregiver, you have very little margin in your schedule. Don’t feel guilty about saying no to some or all of the volunteer opportunities that come your way for a season. A time will come when your responsibilities shift again and you’ll be able to give more to the outside world and causes you hold dear.

Train your older children to pitch in.

In the not-too-distant past, it was common for three or more generations of a family to live together as grandparents aged. As a consequence, older children were expected to contribute more fully to the running of the household: caring for younger siblings, helping with chores, and taking more responsibility for their own needs. Even though current culture typically expects less of tweens and teens, they are capable of so much more! Delegate more tasks to them and the whole family will benefit.

Recruit your siblings to help with aging parents.

Many times the care of an older parent falls to one adult child more than the others. Sometimes, it’s simply because the other siblings don’t know what to do. If you find yourself in the role of chief caregiver, talk with your siblings about ways they can contribute to the effort. If they live nearby, it may be hands-on help. If they live further away, it might be by contributing resources toward hiring more professional help. Make sure they’re aware of what the specific needs are and how they can meet them.

Let go of perfectionism.

If you’re in the sandwich years, it might be a good time to lower the bar on some negotiable areas of life. Simplify your holiday routine from decorations to gift-giving. Relax if the house isn’t as tidy as it used to be. Don’t freak out if you gain five pounds. All of these things can be tightened up again when time permits. For now, just roll with it.

Give yourself an outlet.

This may be the hardest of our suggestions, because it requires time—time you likely feel you don’t have. But allowing yourself a bit of alone time regularly to decompress is vital. Prioritize it so that you have that opportunity to recharge your own batteries and enable yourself to serve everyone else.

Communicate clearly with your spouse.

The sandwich season can put a lot of pressure on a marriage. Make a conscious effort to check in with each other frequently to just say, “How are we doing?” It will give each of you the chance to express where you could use more help, and will provide a chance to strategize about how to accomplish the top priorities.

Accept help from friends.

Just like your siblings can help with the parents, your mom friends are often glad to help out with your kids. Take them up on an offer to drive carpool for you when needed or drop your kid at home after sports practice. Every little bit helps!

Q&A: Help, I’m The Toxic Person In The Relationship, How Do I Change?

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Leslie Vernick

Question: How does someone who realizes THEY are the critical/toxic person in the family/relationship begin to heal? I don’t like who I am & struggle against it, but it gets the best of me SO often!!

Answer: First of all let me applaud you for acknowledging that you are not the person you want to be and you want to heal and change. That takes a huge step of courage. Most destructive individuals fail in this very first step of change, which is admitting the truth. Usually they remain blind to their problem. Instead, they blame others, make excuses, minimize the pain they cause, or flat out deny the reality of their behaviors.

Now that you’re aware that the way you treat people is toxic and critical, your next step is to confess, out loud to God and the people you’ve hurt, that you are aware that your behaviors and attitudes are destructive and you want to heal, grow, and change. A public confession commits you to a course of action and a posture of humility which is absolutely crucial if any real change is going to happen. You can’t do it alone. You need God’s help as well as the help of wise and trusted others. 

At the very least you will need some good friends who will encourage you toward wholeness and hold you accountable. In addition, you may want to speak with your pastor, hire a coach and/or seek a professional counselor who has expertise in this area.

Ideally you would give these people permission to speak with your family members so that they can hear from more than you on how you are doing.

When we invite trusted people to walk along with us in our journey, it is much more likely that we will gain the self-awareness, skills and support necessary to make significant personal changes.

It is also crucial that you invite those you have deeply wounded to give you feedback whenever they experience your critical attitudes or toxicity. When my children were little and I became aware of how much I yelled at them, I invited them to give me feedback anytime they felt scared or I raised my voice. It was humbling to hear them say again and again, “Mommy I’m scared, or you’re yelling at me”.

When they did speak up I would stop, remind myself that this was not the person I wanted to be and then apologize and do what I needed to do to calm down and be the mother I wanted to be. If I didn’t’ know how to do that, then that became the next thing I had to learn. My children’s feedback was good for me because self-control (one of the fruit of the Spirit) is absolutely critical to one’s mental and emotional health. Second, inviting their feedback helped my children trust that I meant business that I really wanted to change. Even when I blew it in the moment, they saw that I would receive their feedback and humbly self-correct or call a time out on myself.

Receiving feedback from others is difficult because it wounds our ego. Plus, in the heat of our anger we are often self-deceived and blind to the log in our own eye. When we’re enraged, it’s much easier to see the flaws in everybody else. Allowing those who love you most to become a mirror to you is immensely helpful in your growth and change.

For healing, it’s also important to explore some things in your own childhood that may be negatively impacting you now. There is a saying “hurt people, hurt people”. In other words, we often lash out at others when we are in pain ourselves. When that pain is outside our conscious awareness, our negative reactions to life seem automatic and outside our ability to change or control.

Below are some questions you need to ask yourself. Pray and ask God to shed the light of truth on some things from your past.

What are some of the events from your past that have significantly shaped your life – good and bad?

After you’ve identified an incident or event ask yourself these questions. What happened? Why did it happen? How did I feel? What did it do to me? What did it mean to me? What decisions or vows did I make? How and where has this old feeling or experience reared itself in my present life?

Remember, self-awareness leads to self-reflection (Why do I do what I do? Why do I feel the way I feel?) Self-reflection leads to greater self-awareness and self-correction.

When that fails, the feedback from others can lead us to greater self-awareness and self-correction.

Awareness can lead to new choices and healing, and self-correction leads to new habits and ways of being.

Think You Don’t Need A Counselor? Think Again!

SOURCE:  Taken from an article by Karl Benzio/Stepping Stones/Lighthouse Network

We all have so many unanswered questions about ourselves.

Am I really a good person? Am I truly lovable? Why do I do the things I do? Why do I feel the way I feel? Why do I continue to make the same mistakes? Can I change? Will I ever be fully in control of all areas of my life? Why can’t I handle adversity or stress?

We often struggle to answer these questions for ourselves. And it’s difficult to get to the core answers without a reliable counselor or coach who knows how to help us probe and analyze.

The combination of our arrogance and pride has kept most of us from realizing that we do need counseling.

Our usual response: “Me? I don’t need any therapy, thank you very much!” And the counseling profession carries huge stigmas — mental illness, Freud, Prozac and all that.

All of us need a counselor. What athlete would ever think he doesn’t need a coach anymore? Does any student ever really know it all? Your doctors continue to study and get more education, going to classes and seminars, relying on consults and guidance from experts in hard cases, until they retire. In life, the most complicated activity ever, we will never know it all. But thankfully, as Christians, we have the best counselor at our fingertips and He lives right inside us.

The Bible tells us Jesus sends us his Spirit as a Counselor. That ought to make our need very clear. And apparently, we need quite a lot of counseling—the Spirit isn’t just stopping in to give us an annual checkup or a quick tune-up. No, He has come to stay and give us a complete makeover … from the inside out. Now we just need to figure out how to “hear” His counsel and quit sabotaging His efforts in our lives.

This next statement might sound blasphemous, but we need more than the Holy Spirit’s presence. That’s why we listen to sermons and study the Bible … to help us get out of the Holy Spirit’s way and so we can begin to partner with the Great Counselor. This is where a human counselor, mentor, coach, or disciple can have dramatic impact. Obviously, an earthly counselor needs to understand and help you apply the Holy Spirits’ instruction and principles.

Today, confess your sins, then talk to God about a struggle in your life. Open His word and then listen for His counsel. If you have trouble following the counsel, or continue to sabotage His efforts, consider getting someone to help show you how to listen and follow His counsel. Whether you listen to the Counselor and apply His teaching or you act as your own counselor is your decision, so choose well.

Dear God, I thank You for sending me the ultimate Counselor, Your Holy Spirit. Help me recognize my daily need for guiding advice and for the Spirit of truth. Help me listen and heed Your advice. Help me gain wisdom and courage to follow Your guidance, and humility to set aside my agenda. Thy kingdom, not my kingdom, come. Give me humility to seek out and listen to Godly advisors so I can overcome my areas of struggle. I pray in the name of Jesus Christ, who asked You to send the ultimate Counselor, the Holy Spirit;  – AMEN!

The Truth
“And I will ask the Father, and he will give you another Counselor to be with you forever—the Spirit of truth” John 14:16–17

For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and of marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart. And no creature is hidden from his sight, but all are naked and exposed to the eyes of him to whom we must give account. Since then we have a great high priest who has passed through the heavens, Jesus, the Son of God, let us hold fast our confession. Hebrews 4:12-14

Because they hated knowledge and did not choose the fear of the LORD, would have none of my counsel and despised all my reproof, therefore they shall eat the fruit of their way, and have their fill of their own devices. For the simple are killed by their turning away, and the complacency of fools destroys them; but whoever listens to me will dwell secure and will be at ease, without dread of disaster.”              Proverbs 1:29-33

Ever Feel Like You’re Ruining Your Kids?

SOURCE:  Susan Alexander Yates/Family Life Ministry

“I’m the worst mother in the world. I think I’m ruining my kids,” I exclaimed as tears began to cloud my vision.

Once again “Miz Edith,” my elderly next-door neighbor, wrapped her arms around me and replied, “Susan, you are not the worst mother in the world. You are just in a hard season and you are doing a good job. You will be alright. Your kids will be alright.”

was in a hard season. We had recently moved to a new town and I had five children ages 7 and under (including colicky twins), a husband with a demanding new job, and no friends, no family, and no help. Except “Miz Edith.”

Many times during those early years I would run across my lawn, often in bare feet and pajamas, knock on her door, and burst into tears. Edith didn’t always give me advice, but she always comforted me. What she gave me was perspective. She reminded me that although this season was hard, it would not last forever. And she reassured me that I was doing a better job than I thought I was.

One of the hardest things about raising young children is that we don’t feel like we are making any progress. We discipline them and they turn around and do it again. We teach them to speak kindly and they are rude once more. We think we are making progress in sibling rivalry and then a fight breaks out.

No matter how hard we try and how many times we tell them, we don’t seem to make any progress.

Recently a father with three young kids said, “If we didn’t care how they turned out, raising them wouldn’t be so hard!” But we do care—so much. One of the things we have to remember in this season is that we are sowing and we are not going to see results for many years. In other areas of life we often see results soon. But not in parenting. Training is a repeated endeavor—over and over and over. We will be less disappointed if we realize they may not get it for several years. We just have to keep at it and not expect fast results.

The problem isn’t just our child’s behavior. We lose our tempers. We overreact. We get frustrated and tired. And when we make a really big mistake we wonder if we are ruining our kids. Our kids are not looking for perfect parents. There aren’t any.

What they need is an honest parent. A parent who is willing to say, “I made a mistake and I am sorry. I should not have reacted that way. I need to ask you to forgive me. Will you forgive me?” When our kids see us asking for forgiveness they will be more likely to grow into men and women who are humble enough to ask for forgiveness themselves.

Seek out a “Miz Edith” for your life.

Each of us needs someone older who will give us perspective. But we can also be an Edith in a younger person’s life. I have often thought we should strive to be “sandwich women.” We are the peanut butter in the middle with an older mentor above us and then the bottom bread is someone younger for whom we care.

When you feel like you are ruining your kids remember: Your ability to ruin your children is not nearly as great as God’s power to redeem them.

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This article originally appeared on MomLife Today, FamilyLife’s blog for moms.

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