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Loving the Prodigal Who Seems to Hate You

SOURCE:  Adapted from Letting Go, by Dave Harvey and Paul Gilbert. 

The way we love sinful people must be patterned after the rugged love God has for us.

If you live with a prodigal, you know what it means to love someone. Love is a means of survival. Love is what gets you up each morning and inspires you to serve someone who acts like they hate you. Loving this way means duty, sacrifice, responsibility, and resilience.

But there is a side of love that’s difficult to face. You’ve had a taste of it already if you are persisting in hope that this person you love might change.

It’s loving a rebel, someone who isn’t trying to work it out and who doesn’t have your interests in mind. It’s loving someone who is enamored with their sin and does not care about the consequences—the pain and hurt it causes others.

Prodigals need more than tough love; they need a rugged love. A love that’s bold yet redemptive, forceful yet forgiving, gallant yet gospel-based. Think of it as love with teeth. For prodigals to change, those who love them must exercise a love that is courageous. They need to have conviction and a clear conscience. To love a wayward rebel, you need a rugged love that is rooted in the hope of God’s promises.

Rugged love is the way God engages and reaches sinful people. We are all wayward, dead, and trapped in our sin. So the way we love prodigals must be patterned after the rugged love of God.

What is this rugged love? Love is rugged when it’s:

  • strong enough to face evil;
  • tenacious enough to do good;
  • courageous enough to enforce consequences;
  • sturdy enough to be patient;
  • resilient enough to forgive;
  • trusting enough to pray boldly.

Strong enough to face evil

Bonnie knows Stan is a serial adulterer, but she looks the other way. Walter believes his daughter is on drugs, but he won’t probe or ask her questions because he fears the truth. Zoe ignores the cruel and demeaning comments her husband makes about her in public and in front of the kids, hoping against hope that things will improve.

Though each situation is distinct and complex, they are all connected by a common compromise: Bonnie, Walter, and Zoe are all tolerating evil. If you ask them why, they say they do it all for love.

When someone you love goes wayward, the worst lies are not always the ones you hear from them. They are the ones you whisper to yourself.

Of course, many of these lies stem from not fully grasping the biblical understanding of love. Our own misunderstandings of what love should look like and how to love others affect our well-intentioned responses to sinful behavior.

Wayward people tend to pile up collateral damage like a tornado through a traffic jam. And that carnage of hurt feelings, broken trust, and fractured relationships can be so overwhelming that people like Bonnie, Walter, and Zoe just want to close their eyes and wish it away. They tell themselves that time heals all wounds. If they just ignore it and put it out of their minds, then surely things will eventually get back to normal. They hope to outlive the evil.

This lie masquerades as hope, and perhaps on some level, it really is a hope that God will do a miracle. But it’s a naive hope—one that traffics not in reality but denial. And the unwillingness to acknowledge reality only further encourages sinful behavior.

In calling us to biblical love, the apostle Paul says, “Let love be genuine. Abhor what is evil” (Romans 12:9). True and genuine love abhors evil. This means that we loathe and stand in opposition to it.

Abhorrence leaves no room for denial. It means that we have eyes to see evil and the courage to respond to it. Sin and folly are inhabiting the soul of the wayward like unwelcome squatters. If these vices are ever to be expelled, they must be honestly named and exposed, not ignored or hidden.

To abhor evil requires a single-minded devotion to accelerating its downfall. The most diminutive mom will strike with ninja speed and nuclear force if she sees a Nazi-loving skin­head threatening her small child. Her abhorrence in this case isn’t a mental exercise, it’s abhorrence in action, an unwavering commitment to eliminating the threat without hesitation or indecision.

God’s response to evil

The gospel does not deny evil. The gospel shows us God’s response to evil—He abhors it! “For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of men, who by their unrighteousness suppress the truth” (Romans 1:18).

God’s wrath is His settled and determined response to injustice, sin, rebellion, and evil. He cannot tolerate it, and He will not accommodate it in any way. Christ did not come to earth to paper over our offenses against God. He was not here to spring God free from having to deal with the wickedness of the wayward. The gospel reveals the sinfulness of sin and showcases God’s hatred of evil.

God poured out His righteous fury on the only sinless man to walk the earth, who was stapled to a tree on a hill called Golgotha. And not just any man—His beloved Son, who willingly accepted His role as our substitute to free us from our enslavement to sin and reconcile us to God. Ascribed to Christ was our evil—”For our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin” (2 Corinthians 5:21).

Jesus hung suspended, the sacrificial Lamb tarred by our wicked thoughts and actions, and received in His body the full gale force of God’s wrath.

Make no mistake; the gospel reveals a rugged love. When we look at this love, we see our sin and our hatred of God and are confronted by the truth that Christ suffered what we justly deserve. The nails were meant for us; the hopeless abandonment and spiritual separation from the love of God that Christ experienced was deservedly ours.

God’s love, displayed for all to see on the cross, was strong enough not only to face evil, but also to act against it. The cross reveals God’s abhorrence in action.

God’s response to evil is good news because it has a redemptive purpose, but the path to redemption requires that we come face-to-face with our sin and evil. God’s law, given to us in the Old Testament Scriptures, reveals our accountability before God and the rightness of His verdict against Adam and Eve in condemning them to death.

Naming our sin and evil is always the first step to experiencing grace and forgiveness. This step cannot be bypassed or skipped. Conviction should lead to repentance, which leads us to forgiveness in Christ.

 The key to rugged love

This gospel is good news because if someone you love is bent on evil, there is help. Repentance is the key that unlocks the power of grace and separates true grace from cheap grace.

But true repentance doesn’t come through denial or accommodation.

The pretending must end. The delusion that one can indulge evil behavior with no costs must be exposed. Biblical grace is not a license to sin. As the apostle Paul says in Romans 6:1-2 “Are we to continue in sin that grace may abound? By no means!” It is never loving or gracious to forgive someone simply to accommodate further sin.

Loving like this is not simple or easy. To get here, you need to experience this love yourself, a love so sturdy that it enables you to face your biggest fears—your dread of a loved one leaving you, your anxiety over the unknown, or your unspoken suspicion that this situation indicates you’re one humongous failure.

Showing rugged love begins by receiving the rugged love of God and holding fast to the promises of the gospel, knowing that our Lord and Savior will never leave us or abandon us (Hebrews 13:5) and that He is truly with us until the end (Matthew 28:20).

Our love becomes rugged as our motivation moves from “peace for me” to “help for them.” Rugged love faces human messiness head on.

Are you facing the evil?

Let’s face it—anyone embracing rugged love faces huge emotional hurdles. It feels like we are piling on, like we saw a drunk fall down in the street and decided to go over and kick him to teach him a lesson. But if we’re serious about helping people enslaved in deep patterns of selfishness, we will find faith to think honestly and deeply about the gracious grit of real love.

Doing so could make a dramatic difference in the life of the one you love.


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14 Thought-Control Tactics Narcissists Use to Confuse and Dominate You

SOURCE:    / PsychCentral

Narcissists’ lives are about winning, generally at others’ expense.

Many narcissists pursue a win-at-all-costs, anything-goes approach.

The casualties:  Honesty, empathy and reciprocity.

Narcissists distort the truth through disinformation, oversimplifying, ridiculing and sowing doubt. Narcissists can be incredibly skilled at using classic elements of thought-control and brainwashing.

To get free of narcissistic thought control it is essential to spot the distortions narcissists deliberately and instinctively practice. Applying critical thinking skills can inoculate you against their campaigns.

Here are 14 thought-control tactics narcissists frequently use:

1) Emotional Appeals:  Attempting to play on emotions such as fear, guilt and loyalty rather than using logic and reasoning.

Narcissists use emotional appeals to disguise false or outrageous claims. Since many narcissists tend to be Drama Kings or Queens, using over-the-top emotionality to control others comes naturally for them.

Example:  “How dare you question me! After all I’ve done for you.”

2) Bandwagon:  An attempt to pressure another to go along because “everybody is doing it.”

Narcissists know the power of numbers. They slavishly follow their “likes” on social media and other measures of attention. Having lots of followers reassures them of their worth. They use the power of group-think and peer pressure to play on others’ fears of missing out, being ostracized or being in the wrong.

Example:  “All your friends agree with me.”

3) Black-and-white / Either-or:  Pretending there are only two choices when there are several.

Narcissists view the world in either-or terms. Nuance is lost on them. They derive a feeling of power from this divide-and-conquer approach.

Example:  “You’re either with me or against me.”

 

4) Burden of Proof:  Asserting that the speaker does not need to prove his points but, rather, that the burden is on the listener to disprove them.

Such an entitled stance comes easily for narcissists. In addition, narcissists love to take credit but have little interest in taking responsibility. They hate to be wrong, so putting the burden on others is a stonewalling strategy that makes it especially difficult to disprove them.

Example:  “I know I am right. What I say stands until you can prove otherwise.”

5) False Flattery:  Buttering others up to make them more receptive to your arguments.

Narcissists rarely meet a compliment they don’t like. They think others are as susceptible to flattery as they are. They ply listeners with pseudo-compliments, hoping to get things in return.

Example:  “I couldn’t possibly be manipulating you, you’re way too smart for that.”

6) Incredulity:  Acting as though what someone said is unbelievable.

Narcissists often use this tactic when they don’t understand what another person is saying. Rather than admit they are confused, they pretend that what the other person is saying is beyond belief. This is an attempt to dismiss valid concerns.

Example:  “You seriously think there are other husbands who are better than me? You really think other wives get anywhere near what I have given you? You are not living in the real world.

7) Labeling:  Applying a negative phrase or attributing negative characteristics to a person or position.

Narcissists love labels. Having a single word to invalidate or humiliate another feels like an ultimate power for narcissists.

Example:  “You’re too needy. You’re a loser.”

8) False Compromise:  Offering to meet half way on matters in which there is clearly a fair and unfair choice.

If a narcissist has a choice to treat another person fairly or unfairly, a “compromise” that still treats the other unfairly is no compromise – it’s still wrong.

Example:  “Okay, you win, I’ll pay you back $50 of the $100 you gave me and we’ll call it even. Hey, it’s better than nothing.”

 

9) Empty Promises:  Promising to give others what they want without any plan or intention of fulfilling the promise.

Example:  “You’ll get your turn. I promise.”

10) Quoting out of Context:  Repeating only part of what another person said or using another’s words completely out of context.

Narcissists do this to discredit others and put them on the defensive.

Example:  “You always said people have to take responsibility for themselves so I didn’t think you needed my help when you had to go to the ER.”

11) Ridicule:  Mocking or humiliating another person or their requests or feelings.

Narcissists devalue others through dismissive remarks, sarcasm, or hostile humor instead of taking the other person seriously.

Example:  “That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard. You’re just embarrassing yourself.”

12) Slippery Slope:  An appeal to fear which takes a small problem and predicts that it will lead to an escalating series of worst-case scenarios.

The goal is to use an extreme hypothetical to distract from a reasonable complaint or argument.

Example:  “If I do this for you, you will think you can get whatever you want from me. I’ll become your slave and have no life.”

13) Dehumanizing:  Classifying others as inferior, dangerous or evil to justify oppressing or eliminating them.

This ends-justifies-the-means tactic is second nature for narcissists, who see most other people as inferior.

Example:  “They’re bringing drugs. They’re bringing crime. They’re rapists.”

14) Slogans:  A simplistic phrase that is a catch-all designed to shut down dissent.

Narcissists often have pat phrases they employ when they feel threatened.

Example:  “I’m your last best hope. I’m all you’ve got.”

Knowledge is power. Recognizing narcissists’ tactics is the first step in setting healthy boundaries against their manipulation. Read additional thought-control techniques used by narcissists in my blog 12 Classic Propaganda Techniques Narcissists Use to Manipulate You

How Codependency Sabotages Your Life

SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Codependency is something that often needs to be addressed because it can be a huge obstacle in your life, and learning to say no is crucial to removing this obstacle.

Codependency is most simply defined as a tendency to take too much responsibility for the problems of others. While it’s good to care for, help and support people, the codependent crosses a line in the relationship – the line of responsibility. Instead of being responsible to others, the codependent becomes responsible for them. And, unless the other person is your child or someone whose care is entrusted to you, the line of responsibility between the to and the for can become quite blurred. The result is that instead of caring and helping, you begin enabling and rescuing. Enabling and rescuing do not empower anybody. They only increase dependency, entitlement, and irresponsibility. Love builds up strength and character, whereas codependency breaks them down.

Codependency unchecked can take you right off the rails of what you want to achieve in your life, get in the way of goals and sabotage your dreams. And it’s all too easy to be completely unaware of it. This is because while distractions, toxic people and worthy-but-untimely things are outside of you, codependency is within you. Sometimes it’s just too close to see. But it is there, at least in small part, in most of us.

For example, you are late to your night class in the MBA track because a co-worker drops the ball and asks you to work late to bail him out. Or you want to take flying lessons, but your wife doesn’t like to try new things and prefers to stay at home. Since she feels lonely when you are gone, you stay home, which actually ends up being worse for the both of you. Or perhaps you feel guilty for the fact that your efforts at online dating are paying off, while your girlfriends are moping and complaining about their lack of prospects. So you hid your success from them, or even slow down the process.

Most of the time, the problem caters on the unhappiness of the other person. Since we care about them, we don’t want them to be sad, hurt, disappointed or unhappy. And that kind of care is a good thing. However, no one has ever yet made an unhappy person happy. You can’t take the emotions of another person and change them. You can help, love, accept, empathize, advise, challenge, confront and support. But at the end of the day, their feelings belong to them. So you must say no to enabling and rescuing behaviors. Life gets better and people become more successful when they are able to shoulder their own responsibilities.

When you start saying no to your own codependency, however, you will also find yourself saying no to people you have been rescuing. So be ready for some twinges of guilt. You may feel like the bad guy or fear that the other person will think badly of you. These feelings are normal; consider them part of the price of reaching your dreams. Just remember to stay loving and caring while respecting the line of responsibility. The guilty feelings should resolve in time, and you will become a freer person.

Forgiveness Doesn’t Mean You Have to Trust Someone Again

SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

“I know I’m supposed to forgive,” a woman said to me at a recent seminar. “But, I just can’t open myself up to that kind of hurt anymore. I know I should forgive him and trust him, but if I let him back in, the same thing will happen, and I can’t go through that again.”

“Who said anything about ‘trusting’ him?” I asked. “I don’t think you should trust him either.”

“But you said I was supposed to forgive him, and if I do that, doesn’t that mean giving him another chance? Don’t I have to open up to him again?”

“No, you don’t,” I replied. “Forgiveness and trust are two totally different things. In fact, that’s part of your problem. Every time he’s done this, he’s come back and apologized, and you have just accepted him right back into your life, and nothing has changed. You trusted him, nothing was different, and he did it again. I don’t think that’s wise.”

“Well,” she asked, “How can I forgive him without opening myself up to being hurt again?”

Good question. We hear this problem over and over again. People have been hurt, and they do one of two things. Either they confront the other person about something that has happened, the other person says he’s sorry, and they forgive, open themselves up again, and blindly trust. Or, in fear of opening themselves up again, they avoid the conversation altogether and hold onto the hurt, fearing that forgiveness will make them vulnerable once again.

How do you resolve this dilemma?

The simplest way to help you to organize your thoughts as you confront this problem is to remember three points:

1. Forgiveness has to do with the past. Forgiveness is not holding something someone has done against you. It is letting it go. It only takes one to offer forgiveness.

2. Reconciliation has to do with the present. It occurs when the other person apologizes and accepts forgiveness. It takes two to reconcile.

3. Trust has to do with the future. It deals with both what you will risk happening again and what you will open yourself up to. A person must show through his actions that he is trustworthy before you trust him again.

You could have a conversation that deals with two of these issues, or all three. In some good boundary conversations, you forgive the other person for the past, reconcile in the present, and then discuss what the limits of trust will be in the future. The main point is this: Keep the future clearly differentiated from the past.

As you discuss the future, you clearly delineate what your expectations are, what limits you will set, what the conditions will be, or what the consequences (good or bad) of various actions will be.

Differentiating between forgiveness and trust does a number of things:

First, you prevent the other person from being able to say that not opening up again means you are “holding it against me.”

Second, you draw a clear line from the past to the possibility of a good future with a new beginning point of today, with a new plan and new expectations. If you have had flimsy boundaries in the past, you are sending a clear message that you are going to do things differently in the future.

Third, you give the relationship a new opportunity to go forward. You can make a new plan, with the other person potentially feeling cleansed and feeling as though the past will not be used to shame or hurt him. As a forgiven person, he can become an enthusiastic partner in the future of the relationship instead of a guilty convict trying to work his way out of relational purgatory. And you can feel free, not burdened, by bitterness and punitive feelings, while at the same time being wise about the future.

 

Basic Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No

SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Challenge New opportunities and situations can seem risky at first.

Solution Developing a better understanding of how and when to say yes or no will help you get to the next level.

We spend a lot of time talking about the value of the word ‘No’. We say ‘No is a complete sentence.’ We talk about owning your ‘No’. And no doubt, having firm boundaries around what you will and won’t allow to into your life is one of the most powerful shaping forces available to you. But there’s a really important thing that we all must remember as we make these choices — do not allow yourself to become a prisoner to your ‘No’.

Yes is an equally powerful word, and many people are afraid of it. Learning how to say no is an incredibly empowering tool. Most people lack the skill to effectively use it because they mistake being a doormat for being nice. When a person realizes how much power they can wield with the word ‘no’, it can be very tempting to overuse it. People often default to saying no because it protects them from what might or might not hurt them. No is the safer choice. No is the more comfortable choice, and often, no is the right choice. But when we say yes, we are opening ourselves up to new experiences, expanding our limits, and growing our world and the variety of our possible futures.

Knowing when to say yes and when to say no allows you to establish healthy boundaries in your life and it is one of the most necessary traits successful people can develop.

The way that real growth happens is when we stretch ourselves just past our current limits. By defaulting to no, we often shut ourselves out from opportunities to stretch ourselves to the next level. People run the risk of never discovering their full potential because they are afraid to say yes.

A child who doesn’t know how to swim may see a swimming pool and tense up and pull back with fear. This is a powerful and essential survival instinct. However, under the right conditions, with adult supervision or during swim lessons, it’s perfectly safe for a child to go into a swimming pool. It’s fun! When a child has the support necessary to try new things, their fear melts away.

Adults are very much the same. New things scare us. The unknown is rife with potential for doom and failure and everything bad that could possibly happen. And yet, under the right conditions, it’s perfectly safe and hugely beneficial to try new things. It’s essential. Without it, you will fall into a bland rut. Your energy will disappear. Your enthusiasm will vanish. Your intelligence and your heart will suffer for it. You become a closed system.

Saying yes is about being open to new intelligence and new sources of energy, the two ingredients necessary for improving anything. Knowing how and when to say no frees you up to say yes when the conditions are right. That makes ‘no’ even more powerful than we might first realize.

What you let into your life, the flexibility or inflexibility of your boundaries — where they’re set, the quality of your relationships, the honesty of your communication — these are the things that will help you develop and grow. Don’t let your ‘no’ dictate everything. Be the owner of an incredibly powerful ‘yes’.

Use it wisely, but make sure you use it.

What To Do When Your In-Laws Act Like Outlaws

SOURCE:  Mark Merrill

Getting married usually doesn’t just unite a couple; it brings two families together as well—which can mean twice the blessing or double the trouble (depending on how you get along with your spouse’s parents).

For Susan and me, it’s been an amazing blessing. Both sets of parents have been loving and supportive, knowing when and how to be there for us, and also giving us the room we have needed to grow together as a couple. But what do you do if your in-laws turn out to be more like outlaws?

Dealing with the in-laws is just another part of being married.

Here are a few ways to handle difficult in-laws:

Appreciate them for something good. Remember that not everyone is all bad, and you have at least one reason to be thankful to your in-laws: your spouse! Chances are, too, that they have other good qualities if you take the time to look beyond the things that bug you.

Acknowledge your different viewpoints. Oftentimes tensions between couples and their parents and in-laws are really about unspoken expectations. For instance, holiday plans—who gets to spend Christmas where—can be a hot button (and in that regard, here are 5 Ways to Honor Your Parents During the Holidays). Her parents may just assume that you both will always go back there for Thanksgiving because that’s just the way they have always done things in their family. They’re not setting out to be difficult; they just haven’t taken into account that things have changed. So when something comes up, try to discern why they are feeling or acting a certain way. Look for the why behind the what.

Assume good intentions. Some people are deliberately controlling—they want things their way and they want everyone else to do things their way—but some don’t mean to be. Recently, Susan and I visited our daughter and son-in-law in their new home. I suggested a bunch of home improvement things that I could do with my son-in-law. I thought I was being helpful until Susan told me later that I had come on too strong and a bit controlling, even though I didn’t mean to be.

Assess how your parents have shaped you—and how your spouse’s parents have shaped them. Your husband may be gratefully aware of the positive way he was raised. Your wife may not realize quite how much she has been affected by her childhood in a home where there was emotional or substance abuse. Our past experiences significantly define not only how we view our parents, but our spouse too. Knowing your history helps you deal with the present better. Here’s more on How to Become a Student of Your Spouse.

Agree to put your relationship first. As I said earlier, getting married isn’t just a two-way relationship, when you add two sets of parents it becomes six-way—and even more when there is remarriage. But remember that the relationship between the two of you must be your priority. This blog further explores the importance of putting your marriage first. Honoring your parents while also making your marriage your top priority is one of the 11 Things a Husband and Wife Must Agree On.

Accept that it is okay to draw boundaries. If you don’t drink in your home, it’s fine to ask your in-laws not to bring a bottle of wine when they come for dinner. If your mother-in-law keeps criticizing your wife’s housekeeping or parenting in a passive-aggressive kind of way, it’s appropriate to privately and gently say that’s not acceptable.

Aim to restore or repair the relationship as best you can. If your in-laws are acting like outlaws, remember they are robbing all of you of what should be a blessing and a benefit. Look for ways to love them back into a relationship. You may feel it’s appropriate to limit the time you all spend together under one roof, but that doesn’t mean you can’t also stay connected by phone, email, and social media. For some practical ideas, here are 4 Ways to Love the Difficult People in Your Life.

Affirm your in-laws in front of your children. Even if there are challenges, don’t speak negatively about your in-laws to the kids. Avoid saying Grandpa D is a bad person for drinking too much. You can talk about how his actions harm himself and others without dishonoring him. Talk about how you have different values and ways of doing things in your home than your in-laws.

Remember that, ideally, your marriage should bring the riches of broader family relationships.

How You’re Wasting Time in the Wrong Relationships

SOURCE:  Dr. Henry Cloud

Laura had been in a relationship with Jason for about four years. Her biggest complaint was that he took her for granted and did not make her a priority. He was a nice guy, but too self-centered to make a relationship work. Over and over again, he would leave her feeling ignored and unimportant. She had broken up with him several times, missed him, reunited, and nothing had changed. She would break up with him again and then a few months later would run into him and, with the pain gone, begin to enjoy all the good things about him and want to try again.

They would both talk about how they had been foolish to break up with so much good in their relationship, how they really loved each other, and how they truly should be together. “I was wrong to leave. I miss you and want to be with you again,” would be their mutual feeling. So they would get back together and do it again.

So what’s wrong with that? Everything. But please understand something: I am not saying that people should not be allowed to have second, third, or fourth chances. The story of redemption is the greatest story ever told. It’s natural, and sometimes good, to try again. When things go bad, especially in relationships, we want to find a way to make them work and to restore love. When business deals go bad, we want to be able to fix them and make them work. When we fail at a dream or career, we want to be able to come back and win. The story of every successful life includes failure, misses, and obstacles that are overcome. Redemption and restoration are good things.

But here is the real truth when it comes to redemption versus going backward: if redemption is to occur, something must be different. A second chance is not a repeat
 of the first chance. A second chance is a
 move forward to something new. There 
must be something new and different in 
order to move forward rather than back-
ward. If everything’s the same, you are
 repeating what already has been, and there is no reason to think the outcome will be different.

Laura’s plan to get back together with Jason was not because she or Jason had become a different person or grown in some way. She was getting back with Jason because she hoped that their relationship could be different. Hoping that we or someone else will change or that a situation will be different is not reality. There must be a real reason to believe and try again.

Had Jason gone through some awakening himself, other than he was “sorry” and wanted her back? Had he gone into therapy? Had he gotten a life coach to teach him how to make a relationship work? Had they gone to counseling together to find out why they had failed and what they needed to do to make it work? Had he followed through on any of that? Had he stopped his psychological dependency on marijuana that he called “recreational” but that always got in the way of their relationship?

No.

So when Laura went back hoping that it would be different this time, there was no real reason to hope. As I said in my book Necessary Endings, hope without realistic reasons to believe is not hope at all. It is only a “wish.” When a tree gets healthy, you can see the blossoms and the fruit that prove it has life in it. When a person or a situation has truly changed and is worthy of our investment, we will be able to see tangible reasons to believe.
 Said another way: Sorry is not good enough. Something has to be different. True repentance can be seen in the real “fruit,” or results, it produces.

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